


Irony is the colour red

by tttooohappy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:48:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 18,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26681692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tttooohappy/pseuds/tttooohappy
Summary: Davved strydr also known as Dave, just for irony of course, is a seadweller. But not just any seadweller, he's THE sea dweller. The guy who will conquer all after beating Bro.But first, he has to beat the boredom. So not having anything better to do, he finally signed up for Trollian, and just for irony, again, and because he kind of likes the color, and also because he can, because he’s royalty, he decides to type in candy red, unaware of the can of worms and all the drama this would lead to.But first, it’s going to draw the attention of someone else, whose blood is really that color.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, DaveKat, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, others
Comments: 44
Kudos: 77





	1. Dave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you mae you made this look a lot better

Davved was sitting around his room, bored as fuck. Yes, he could contact Rosise but he was in no mood for her psychobabble. He loved his friend, but damn, sometimes he wanted his mind not to be an unopened can of worms. No siree, no thank you.

He glanced at his computer. There was one other option. Rosise, he just calls her Rose, because her name is kind of a mouthful, and also does sound better. And she’s kind of taken to it.

Focus Dave! Anyway, Rose has been bugging him about finally signing up for Trollian.

It’s not that he didn’t want to. It’s just that he’s been too busy creating raps, and feeding his lusus, and doing other cool kid stuff before now. And also, kind of worrying about how he’ll take down Bro?

He has no idea why His Imperious Condescension had decided to tell Dave to call him that, but who was he to judge?

Anyway, maybe it would be good to get to know his subjects or whatever? Besides- Nope! Not thinking about that.

Anyway, again, for the third time, focus, he opened up his computer used for general making comics, memes, and other stuff. He pulled up the website, Trollian, and made himself an account.

He paused when the colour option came out and then snorted, coming up with a perfect idea. He clicks bright red.

This would be fucking hilarious, he thought. What would be more ironic than someone at the top of the hemospectrum using the color of the lowest or a color that didn’t even exist, at least to his knowledge.

He went to the public message boards, posting a single message and letting anyone reply to him. And he waited.

turntechGodhead: sup

It didnâ€™t take long for other people to start blowing up at him for no reason, besides the red handle. There were a lot of vile slurs being thrown at him, which amused him to no end, and of course, if he did have candy red blood, he might deserve this, but he didn’t.

This was definitely going to give him hours of entertainment from the shit people direct at him for supposedly being a mutant.

tarnishedTantalizer: filthy mutâ‚¬nt why the fuck â‚¬râ‚¬ you â‚¬livâ‚¬?!

turntechGodhead: damn you got me im like totally not alive bro  
turntechGodhead: im like a ghost man im haunting your computer  


ascertainedApiary: yoouu stiink!!

turntechGodhead: wow creative insult there buddy like 10/10 legit burn

tumultuousAmbivalence: go/ng to cu// you

turntechGodhead: i mean you can try   
turntechGodhead: but if youre as weak as your burns i dont think i have much to worry about  


It was actually going pretty well, though no one was really proving to be much a challenge to his mad skills.

That was, until someone with gray text popped up on his screen. Someone called carcinoGeneticist?

carcinoGeneticist: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!


	2. Karkat  2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to mae

Karkat Vantas was having a regular day. 

He was milling about his room, contemplating putting on another romance movie. 

When you couldn’t go outside much because of your blood color, your options were kind of limited. It took a lot for his lusus to even consider getting him the stupid computer. It had been worried and cranky that him talking to people online may risk his safety, but being cooped up all the time hiding, not being able to talk anyone had almost produced the worst result, so his lusus reluctantly allowed it. 

It was a good thing too, because Karkat didnâ€™t know what he wouldâ€™ve done if he hadnâ€™t been able to form the connections he had made. 

Though he acted like he didnâ€™t need them because he couldnâ€™t look weak, not being able to see any of them in person made him feel so distant, which may be part of why he connected so heavily with romance. 

Speaking of those connections, he briefly considered pestering his friends but he was still mad at Terezi after she insulted one of his favourite romance movies. He needed his friends but goddamnit, they could be such little shits, especially Terezi. Things could be so fucking complicated with her. 

He gave a long exasperated sigh, banging his head against the keyboard. Maybe he needed new friends. 

Not really meaning it but wanting to prove to himself that he could, he did at least look. He opened a public chat room and his jaw almost dropped to the fucking floor as his eyes were instantly drawn to a colour that was never on the public website, because no troll used it or should even have it. The color of his own blood. 

Another mutant?! How?! When?! He had so many questions and so many things spiraling in his mind. How did they survive? What was their lusus? Why were they broadcasting their blood colour? Did they want to get killed?! And the most important one: was he not alone anymore?! He tried to ignore the other trolls comments, feeling like they were aimed at himself and wrote: 

carcinoGeneticist: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it please post comments or any suggestions you have first time wriding so would appreciate input


	3. Dave 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you mae

Dave blinked. Well, that wasnâ€™t an insult? 

turntechGodhead: you know just handing out asses  
turntechGodhead: its like these people have known nothing but years of bitter ass famine so they keep on coming at me and i just keep on doling out asses  


carcinoGeneticist: THAT IS THE MOST ASININELY STUPID BULLSHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY MISERABLE EXCUSE OF A LIFE! AND TRUST ME I HAVE SEEN A LOT.

Okay yeah, this was more like it. 

alliterativeGraffiti: xXyou tell himXx

courteousCondolences: =yah!=

carcinoGeneticist: SHUT THE FUCK UP. I DONâ€™T NEED SOME BRAIN DEAD MORONS THAT PAT THEMSELVES ON THE BACK EVERY TIME THEY SHIT THEMSELVESâ€™ HELP! MESSAGE ME ALONE DIP SHIT!

Dave stared. What was the game here? Why did this guy want to talk to him alone? Still this was the best challenger so far. Definitely seemed the most entertaining, so why not? No one really dared to talk to him due to his awesome status, which is part of why he was doing this. Well, no one except Rose. 

And even she didnâ€™t really want to have verbal smackdowns with him. but then she wasnâ€™t too low in the hemo spectrum maybe this troll wasnâ€™t either? Maybe the troll was just, like, embarrassed about his High standing or something. Anyway he figured why the shit not. 

turntechGodhead: sure whatever  
turntechGodhead: ill be sure to send you your own ass via mail delivery  


carcinoGeneticist: FUCK YOU.

-

turntechGodhead [TG] started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG].

TG: right  
TG: im here to serve your ass on a golden platter like i said i would  
TG: ill give you the best ass serving youll ever have  
TG: shit i might even have to hire some butlers for it  
CG: GOD, YOU'RE GIVING ME THE WORST MIND-SHATTERING HEADACHE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK I UNDERSTAND ANY OF THAT?!  
TG: i dont know dude but the fact that you asked me to talk to you alone after i offered to hand you your ass makes me think you want a silver platter of ass  
CG: UGH, WHAT-FUCKING-EVER.  
CG: THIS WASN'T THE POINT!  
CG: YOU SHOULDN'T BE TYPING LIKE THAT.  
CG: DO YOU WANT TO GET CULLED?!  


Dave blinked. This was... Huh? Looks like this guy was legitimately concerned? He didn’t think many people cared about mutants, not like they existed, and now he’s curious. Really, this irony, writing in red thing was starting to pay off. Now he just had to pretend for this dude to figure out what his game was. 

TG: nah  
TG: i mean im pretty badass  
TG: no one can take me down  
TG: this dudes not gonna go down anytime soon  
TG: besides it sucks having to hide my blood color all the time  
TG: so why hide it if im an awesome enough dude to protect myself  
TG: why  
TG: you worried bro  
CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.  
CG: WHY SHOULD I CARE IF SOME PAN-BROKEN SHIT-WRIGGLER GETS HIMSELF CULLED.  
TG: idk man you seem pretty worked up about it for some reason  
CG: SHUT UP.  
CG: STILL, I GUESS I COULD GIVE YOU THE TROLLTAGS OF SOME TROLLS THAT DON'T REALLY GIVE MUCH OF A SHIT ABOUT STUPID ARISTOCRATIC BLOOD CASTING BULLSHIT, IF YOU INSIST ON BEING A SHIT-SPEWING PAN-EMPTY WRIGGLER THAT TYPES IN THAT COLOR.  
CG: HERE.  
CG: APOCALYPSEARISEN, ADIOSTOREADOR, TWINARMAGEDDONS, ARSENICCATNIP, GRIMAUXILIATRIX, GALLOWSCALIBRATOR, TERMINALLYCAPRICIOUS, CUTTLEFISHCULLER.  
CG: I HOPE YOU CAN STOP BEING A PAN-EMPTY WRIGGLER LONG ENOUGH TO DECIPHER THOSE AND REMOVE THE QUIRK.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG].

Dave was left staring at the screen. 

What the fuck is this. What the fuck just happened. 

He was dumbfounded. He just got the tags of a bunch of other trolls? Just like that? Huh, this was not how he expected the day to go. 


	4. Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks mae

TG: hey how do i know this isnt some sort of trap  
TG: you know introducing a mutant to some people and get them to gang up on them  
TG: i mean not that thatd be a problem and if you really want to try it then i urge you to go ahead because no one can mess with me  
CG: UGH, WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR TREPIDATION.  
CG: THESE IDIOTS ARE MY FRIENDS. YOU CAN HAVE MY WORDS. PROBABLY.  
CG: GALLOWSCALIBRATOR IS ALL ABOUT THE GODDAMN LAW, SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO TRY CONTACTING THEM, YOU MAY WANT TO CONTACT HER LATER AFTER DETERMINING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE OTHERS.  


Karkat was sitting at home rather frustrated. He understood only too well this other mutantâ€™s hesitation. He didn’t want to introduce him to anyone dangerous and actually, even though he liked his friend, Terezi Pyrope, she was always swayed by the law. It was one of the reasons why he was so reluctant to tell her his own blood color. 

With her thought about him weighed against her love for the law, he doesn’t know which one will win out. 

Still, it seems like TG was very confident, he could defend himself. Not that Karkat was planning to put him in any danger, but he was a bit... Jealous. He wished he had that kind of confidence that he could defend himself like this guy. 

TG: trepidation nah man  
TG: just curious  
TG: i mean why help me  
TG: you seem like youre being sincere here  
CG: JUST TRY CONTACTING ONE OF THEM, YOU BULGE-SUCKING SHIT-SWIMMING MORON. YOU ALREADY OUTED YOURSELF ON A PUBLIC MESSAGE BOARD. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?!  
TG: huh one point to the ornery dude  
TG: damn look how bad i was just owned  
TG: so who should i contact first then  
TG: and can i have my generous new benefactors actual name  
TG: that means you btw  
CG: ...  
TG: well  
CG: HOLD YOUR GODDAMN SHAME GLOBES. I'M THINKING.  
CG: GRIMAUXILIRIX IS LESS INFURIATING THAN THE OTHERS.  
CG: AND SHE'S PROBABLY ONE OF THE SAFEST.  


Karkat had made a list in his head and Kanaya seemed most trustworthy. 

Tavros might let things slip to Vriska before the troll was ready to tell everyone, which was the worst possible outcome. Sollux would probably keep things secret but he was an ornery asshole at the best of times. Gamzee was his best friend, but he wasn’t even aware of what was around himself most times and he wasn’t exactly the best at keeping secrets. Nepeta was moirails with Equius and it wouldn’t be fair to ask her to hide things from him. Same went for Feferi, who was moirails with Eridan. Aradia... All right, he would be honest here, he didn’t always know how to feel about her with her whole death stick. 

TG: huh ok  
TG: cool cool  
TG: that sounds like a chill babe i can get my hang out with  
TG: can I have my dear knights name now  
CG: YOU FIRST.  
TG: its davved  
TG: but call me dave mr benefactor of all my new upcoming friends  
CG: UGH, I'M ALREADY REGRETTING THIS, BUT THE NAME IS KARKAT.  



	5. Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thinking about making another fanfic where Karkat is a reborn as the villain in of his favourite romance novels or movie tell me what you think? Also thank mae for improving this. Also thank you mae

TG: huh  
TG: well mr krabbykat should i contact her now  
TG: get her all up in this new friend jam you seem to want to get me in  
CG: UGH, NO?!  
CG: AND NO FUCKING NICKNAMES! LET ME JUST GIVE HER A HEADS UP.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG].

-

Karkat was more than a bit nervous about this, but. This... this was bringing back memories. He had so many questions about this other mutant's life, and somewhere in his head, he was well aware of the risk of being friends with this guy. And he was sure he was gonna curse past Karkat for doing this at some point. 

But he desperately wanted to give this guy something he had to work so hard for himself, friends. He didn’t even know how he made all his friends. He was so young and naïve then. Joining local message boards at the time, talking to whoever seemed interesting. He'd blown so many chances and had so many instances where it almost got ugly. Putting in so much work and needing so much luck, just to find the people he did and connect them together. 

He wanted to give this guy that. 

-

carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

GA: Hello Karkat  
GA: How Are You  
CG: HEY KANAYA.  
CG: I NEED A HUGE FUCKING FAVOR.  
GA: Oh I See  
GA: Of Course  
GA: I Am Always Much Obliged To Help If I Can  
GA: What Is The Nature Of This Favor  


Karkat was suddenly not sure how to phrase this. 

CG: OKAY, WELL...  
GA: Well  
CG: UGH, FUCK! HOW DO I PUT THIS?!  
GA: Put It However You Wish I Suppose  
CG: OKAY, OKAY, FINE.  
CG: SO, UM, YOU KNOW THOSE THOSE SHIT-FESTERING GOD AWFUL PUBLIC MESSAGE BOARDS?  
GA: Yes If I Remember Correctly It Was Where We Met  
GA: I Remember Talking To You For A Bit Then You Demanding We Be Friends  
CG: ARGHDFLF;DJS  
CG: KANAYA, I THOUGHT YOU SWORE WE WOULD NEVER BRING UP WHAT A PATHETIC BONE-BULGE NEEDY SHITSTAIN I WAS.  
GA: I Think It Was Rather Endearing  
CG: NO IT WASNâ€™T. IT WAS A GODDAMN LOATHSOME DISPLAY OF WHAT A DESPERATE SHITBRAIN I WAS.  
GA: I Disagree But We Are Getting Away From The Topic Here  
GA: What Did You Need Karkat  
CG: WELL, I WAS BROWSING THE PUBLIC BOARDS, WHEN I SAW SOMEONE TYPING IN ...RED.  
CG: CANDY RED.  
GA: Oh  
CG: YEAH. OH.  
CG: I JUST...  
CG: UGH, LOOK YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. I JUST FIGURED THAT YOU PARTICULAR BRANCH OF MORONS MIGHT BE THE MOST OPEN TO MAYBE BEFRIENDING THIS GUY. AND YOU WERE THE FIRST ONE I THOUGHT OF.  
CG: I MEAN, NOT THAT YOU'RE A MORON, KANAYA. I THINK YOU MIGHT JUST BE THE ONLY EXCEPTIONS TO THAT IN THIS MERRY BAND OF SHITSTAINS I CALL MY FRIENDS.  
CG: AGAIN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. ESPECIALLY SINCE HE SEEMS LIKE AN ASSHOLE.  
GA: Thank You For The Compliment Karkat  
CG: Of Course I Will Try  
CG: I Cannot Promise Anything But I Shall Do My Best  
CG: THANK YOU, KANAYA.  
GA: I Am Honored You Chose Me  
GA: Thank You For Trusting Me To Not Scare Away Your New Friend  
CG: SHUT UP. DON'T GET A BIG HEAD. YOU'RE JUST THE MOST SANE CHOICE.  
GA: Of Course Whatever You Say Karkat  
CG: WAS THAT SARCASM. DID I SENSE SARCASM IN THAT SENTENCE, KANAYA.  
GA: Of Course Not  
CG: ...  
CG: I'M WATCHING YOU, MARYAM.  
CG: ANYWAY, I'M MAKING A MEMO.  
CG: BYE.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

-

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board FRIENDSHIP IS NOT GADDAMN MAGIC.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] added turntechGodhead [TG], and grimAuxiliatrix [GA] to memo.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.

CG: HERE YOU GO, FUCKASS. I SO GRACIOUSLY MADE A MEMO FOR YOU. 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo.

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.

GA: Greetings  
GA: Pleasure Meeting You  
TG: holy shit you sound just like rose  
GA: Um  
CG: SHUT UP, YOU PAN-EMPTY TOOL. THIS IS KANAYA. KANAYA, THIS IS DAVVED.  
TG: just call me dave  
TG: anyway you were who mr shouts a lot was talking about  
TG: youre going to expand my puny friendship circle off the rails and scale it into a new horizon  
GA: Well If It Goes That Way But Honestly I Cannot Understand Much Of What You Are Saying Right Now  
TG: youre taking me on a friendship voyage  
TG: karkat is the captain and youre apparently the second mate  
TG: my ass better buckle down because its all about to get schooled and join in on new horizons  
CG: UGH, CAN YOU STOP YOUR ASININE BULLFUCKERY?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. I INTRODUCE YOU TO SOMEONE WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO TOLERATE YOUR ASS, AND YOU SPEW THE STUPIDEST WORD VOMIT MY GANDER BULBS HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF READING.  
TG: yah she seems decent but word vomit is just never going to stop from me  
TG: Anyway you looking to be friends with me  
GA: If I Can Yes  
TG: sweet  
TG: was kittycrabs word really so good  
TG: how much of a boss man is he  
TG: better just get my ass on this friendship train  
GA: Actually He Does Not Always Make The Best Judgments With Making Friends  
GA: But I Can Understand How Important It Is To Him  
GA: Besides He Is My Friend So I Really Do Not Mind Doing This For Him  
CG: I DO TOO!  
CG: WAIT, WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT. ARGH, FUCK. YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T. OUR FRIENDS ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKING BULGE-MUNCHING LOONEYS.  
TG: dude youre a terrible salesman  
TG: but sure why not  
TG: yo kan you wanna be friends  
GA: As You Said  
GA: Sure Why Not  
TG: score  
TG: alright captain kat you were true to your word  
TG: i salute you and bow before your wisdom of introducing me to okay people  
CG: I'M GLAD YOU FINALLY RECOGNIZED MY SUPERB SKILLS.  
GA: Well Then I Am Glad We Agreed To Get Along  
GA: Anyway The Sun Is Coming Up  
GA: You Two Should Get In Your Coons Soon  
TG: aww i was just getting my mad friendship game going  
TG: its all going to waste if i dont use it  
GA: We Can Talk More Tomorrow And Karkat Can Introduce You To The Others  
GA: If You Are Ready I Mean  
TG: nice  
TG: i dont know how ill sleep with this  
TG: promise me more  
GA: However You Want  
GA: Anyway I Shall Be Taking My Leave Now  
GA: Good Morning Karkat Dave  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased responding to memo.

CG: SEE?!  
TG: she seems like a pretty cool meowbeast  
TG: you seem to have a good friendship game  
TG: cant wait to see who else you introduce me to  
CG: SO YOU'RE STILL INTERESTED EVEN AFTER ALL THAT BULLSHIT YOU WERE SPOUTING?  
TG: yeah man what gave you the impression i wasnt  
CG: ALRIGHT THEN, I'LL CONTINUE TO BOMBARD YOU WITH MY ASSHOLE FRIENDS.  
CG: DO ME A FAVOR.  
TG: i mean as long as you dont want to get in the hate squares with me  
TG: i mean you seem cool but i dont really know if your ass is hot enough to handle  
CG: WHAT?! NO! I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU TO GET OFF THE PUBLIC MESSAGE BOARDS, DIPSHIT!  
CG: BUT FINE, SUIT YOURSELF. BE CULLBAIT.  
TG: oh yeah sure man i can do that  
CG: UGH, GOOD ENOUGH. ANYWAY, I'M LOGGING OUT BEFORE YOU MAKE MY PAN MELT FROM MY SPONGE CLOTS WITH YOUR STUPIDITY. I'LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW.  
TG: yeah bro  
TG: laters  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned turntechGodhead [TG] from responding to memo.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo.


	6. Dave

Dave

Dave had been expecting a lot of things last night but to meet a misterise blooded stranger over trollen Who apart apparently wanted to involve him in his friend group had not been one of the things. And the first person the guy introduced him to apparently make friends with Which he still didn’t know what entirely the game was with that. Was a jade blood? 

How did he even know Jade blood? most of them were in the caverns and didn’t really socialize outside much... unless he himself was a jade blood? that could be why he wrote in grey? There Weren’t many male jade bloods. So maybe that’s why he was hiding his colour because he was ashamed of being a male jaded blood? But then but introducing Dave to a jade blood fist as a friend Karkat must know that would be suspicious. 

But then maybe every other friend hed induce to dave would be a jade blood since Karkat himself might only interact with them wich would confirm Dave suspicions maybe Karkat could only introduce him to Jade bloods. Dave wasn’t 100% sure but he was certain this was going to be a lot more interesting than he originally thought. And he was sure this guy whoever he was had his attention he’d figure this out. 

First he should probably contact rose  
His moiralle She want to know he had finally joined trollen. I kind of also wanted to share what happens and maybe bounce a few theories off her. 

*  turntechGodhead  started pestering  tentacleTherapist* 

turntechGodhead: yo rose 

turntechGodhead: rose How’s the fake thing you do? I mean I know analyzing is a thing but where the hell do you analyze people think Pans? how many trolls are actually interested in you digging around

turntechGodhead: actually I might have someone for you to study he’s really interesting. I’m trying to figure out what his deal is. he’s hiding this fucken tresher I just want to open up and enjoy but then he slaps his my hands away and says fuck you these are my gem secrets. and I’m like damn I want that. But apparently my ass is not getting anywhere near that sweet sweet loot yet 

tentacleTherapist: oh it sounds interesting are you looking to fill another quadrant

turntechGodhead: what no? I’m just trying to figure out what someone’s deal is keep up rose 

tentacleTherapist: I see so I should ignore the part where you refer to him as treasur you specifically want to open? 

turntechGodhead: dammit you always do this you always catch my hand in the proverbial fucking cookie jar well not this time Rose this time this is too juicy for you to ignore and Mess with my brain pan. 

tentacleTherapist: fine fine i’ll ignore the ripe opertunty you left on me write it in my journal For another time. Do go ahead and tell me what’s going on. I didn’t know you for being particularly social

turntechGodhead: well I finally joined trollen

tentacleTherapist: i’m glad you finally listened to my advice and joined. what prompted this Willingness to actually listen? 

turntechGodhead: boredom mostly. Anyway that’s not the point I started to type in red 

tentacleTherapist: oh I see what prompted this? Should I worry if this is somehow how are you see yourself?

turntechGodhead: what I’m awesome! End of story period. Anyway this guy Karkat wrights in gray and he doesn’t roast me for being a supposed mutent which would be natural.

tentacleTherapist: would it?

turntechGodhead: yes! No don’t fucking know they don’t really exist not the point. Anyway He doesn’t insult me like all of the other guys’ve girls or whatever thou he still insults me because this guy has the golden tongue of insults. he uses the most insulting way to ask me to be friends? Wich is as sketchy as fuck and then he introduces me into a jade blood to be friends with me too 

tentacleTherapist: hmmm well this is interesting.. 

turntechGodhead: see?! Treasure trove of fucking secrets and mystery I knew you couldn’t resist I’m telling you rose this guy is a Enigma says he’s going to introduce me to more friends when he thinks I’m a mutent 

tentacleTherapist: you seem awfully focussed on the mutant part. I have to say I am very intrigued about this. And I do find it as you would say ironic that you join trollen Posing as a mutant and that’s where you seem to of found your first online friend.

turntechGodhead: well I mean everyone hates them in this guy doesn’t he wants to make friends with one? Also the fact that they’re kind of like mythical fucking creatures honestly they’re like one horned hoof bests honestly one day we should have a hunt for one of them.

tentacleTherapist: I don’t usually like to participate in such events and I didn’t know you did either. 

turntechGodhead: no I mean yeah I fucking have to do that with bro and I mean I am the top dog. The hunts would be non-lethal or some shit I mean who just finds mythical beast to mount its head on the wall? you have to like put it in a cage or something to observe it see how it works. But you got all the power and you don’t search for one horned hoof bests or treasure or some legendary shit what’s the point?

tentacleTherapist: getting back to yours hopefully since I’ve seem to derail you again. And I’m mostly trying to return to the topic

turntechGodhead: right fine it’s not like they exist anyway although I’m still doing the hunts. Anyway This dude Karkat seems determined to make me his friend. He’s a tenacious little bugger I’m all wondering here if I should play hard to get I mean maybe I shouldn’t give up all my friendship pearls all in one go I maybe should guard those motherfuckers until he earns them. But then he might die of strider withdrawal 

tentacleTherapist: i’m not sure how the world gets a bye without you every single day

turntechGodhead: probably not knowing I exist helps a whole lot. But once they meet me, damn it’s just like they get so attached

tentacleTherapist: i’m taking it you’re going to introduce me to this little friend group to?

turntechGodhead: hmmm yeah definitely but maybe not right away? Idk I want to warm them up to the idea get up all in there for I bring you in you might scare them away because you’re an obvious sea dweller can’t have you blowing my cover

tentacleTherapist: well You’re really invested in this lie. No I always knew your drive from loneliness would draw you to do something ridiculous. 

turntechGodhead: not ridiculous ingenious I mean it’s already netted me someone and I am not lonely! 

tentacleTherapist: my mistake you just better not refrain from inviting me into this little group for too long or am I just find a way to break in myself

turntechGodhead: I don’t doubt it give me a week or so warm the water a little

tentacleTherapist: taking that as your word strider and I’m holding you to it

turntechGodhead: yes yes I wouldn’t betray you I have are not good for my health

Dave much too scared to even defy rose in the first place

tentacleTherapist: well I’ll be waiting with bells on be sure to keep me informed until then

turntechGodhead: I always do no matter how much I regret it

*  tentacleTherapist Loged off  turntechGodhead  loged off*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next story I think I’m gonna make it about Karkat being reborn as a villain in his favourite romance book or move. I’m obsessed with the genre and it seems to fit him so well Tell me what you think


	7. Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OK I’m already not great at spelling so this is gonna be hard doing the quirks I’m hoping I did it justice thou feel free to leave any comments or criticisms

Karkat 

Karkat Didn’t sleep, he didn’t sleep most days fear of going to sleep and something happening when he was asleep Or worse going to sleep and never waking up or just a horrible horrible nightmares. He made drawings and charts what would work best when introducing this new guy, who would be best would be worst, he wanted to them Introduce to them all even though he knew some of them were a little bit more dangerous than the rest of his friends. but The importance they played on his life and how he needed them all in their own way, urged him to do this for another muntent like himself meant everything. although he was definitely worryed about it he wouldn’t do it till it was safe but still he needed to he needed to connect them together even if it was only loosely he didn’t know why I felt the urge but it was a powerful one bonds were always really important to him. 

Sollux was probably the next person he was going to introduce He was the second safest no he was definitely going to bitch about it. he was probably going to wait a few days before he did that and give Sollux and probably should give him a heads up he just hoped Sollux Duse not act like a shit mongering ass hole Opened the chat window.

*  carcinoGeneticist  started trolling  twinArmageddons*

carcinoGeneticist: HAY FUCK FACE 

twinArmageddons: what iii2 it KK? I 2ware 2 GOG iif your goiing to gu2h about a new romance move or biitch about 2ome 2tuped 2hit, II’ll throw my 2elf out out of the fucken hiive to 2ave my Brocken braiin any more paiin 

carcinoGeneticist: LIKE YOU HAVE THE FUCKEN GUTS YOUR NOOK SNIFFER. LIKE YOUR FUCKING MASOCHISTIC DUSNT ENJOY IT 

twinArmageddons: .. anyone would have to be ma2ochii2tc To put up with your biitch a22 

carcinoGeneticist: OH LIKE YOU HAVE SUCH A CHARMING PERSONALITY! I MUST HAVE BEEN SHIT HIVE MAGGOTS WHEN I FIST TALKED TO YOU.

twinArmageddons: how you ever got on a local hacker group chat or even thiink you could be a hacker blow2 my thiink pan to thi2 day

carcinoGeneticist: OH PLASE IM BETTER AT HACKING THEN YOU PEROED END OF STORY. BESIDES I WASNT TO ONE SOBING LIKE A WRIGELER WHEN THAT OTHER GOLD BLOOD CALLED YOU A FROUD

twinArmageddons: yah but you were the one who cussed her out 2aying that I was better then all those other fucker2 

carcinoGeneticist: FUCK YOUR RIGHT! I REGET SAYING THAT I DIDNT RELIZE WHAT A REPUGNANT PICE OF GARBAGE YOU WERE AT THE TIME

twinArmageddons: to late you did the entire conversatiion and biitch fiit you had is burned into my gander bulb2 forever

carcinoGeneticist: I REGRET TALKING TO YOU EVER AND MY DELCLARE THIS FRIENDSHIP OVER!

carcinoGeneticist: ACTUALLY NO I TAKE THAT BACK. ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

twinArmageddons: ugg you a2k that all the time! Ye2 we’re still friend2 

carcinoGeneticist: OK GOOD 

twinArmageddons: anyway what2 up?

carcinoGeneticist: I UM NEED YOU TRY TO BE FREINDS WITH SOMEONE 

twinArmageddons: gog NO! i dont need or want anymore freiind2 e2peciially with the fucker2 you consider freiind2

carcinoGeneticist: FUCK YOU THIS IS IMPORTANT! 

twinArmageddons: like makeiing freiind2 with that fii2hy fuck wa2? 

carcinoGeneticist: OK YES ERIDAN IS A FUCKEN BULG SUCKING ASSHOLE THAT THE STARS TWINKLE IN MORISE CODE SAYING WHAT A DOUCHBAG HE IS. BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT YOU OBTUSE MOTHERFUCKER!

twinArmageddons: why?! 

* turntechGodhead  is messaging  carcinoGeneticist  in separate chat* 

turntechGodhead: hay so the moons have risen and it’s time rase ancer to embark on this friendship voige

turntechGodhead: time to sail the seven seas seeking that treasure. Fighting crackens and all the sea mosters. Because you know what’s a high seas search for treasure without putting are asses on the line. And only the most brutal fights will bring use the sweets loot 

turntechGodhead: freandship is the loot thou so would that mean we’d befriend all the sea mosters? That would be cool 

* * carcinoGeneticist  not responding still messageing  twinArmageddons**

twinArmageddons: why?

twinArmageddons: god dament why KK?

carcinoGeneticist: BECAUSE HE TIPES IN RED YOU FUCK FACE!

He’d kinda Been distracted by daves message thy he’d just tipped it out without thinking fuck. 

twinArmageddons: what?! Holy shiit! KK are you sure messageiing him is a good iidea? 

carcinoGeneticist: YES WHY THE HELL WOULDNT IT BE?! 

twinArmageddons: becau2e iit could be dangerou2 you moron! 

* turntechGodhead  is messaging  carcinoGeneticist in separate chat*

turntechGodhead: that would mean that you are the main treasure I’m after I mean dam I didn’t even have to surch

turntechGodhead: the biggest treasure fell on my lap and I’m going to hord that shit till I’m an old crusty sea dog. And then when little jermany asks can I have the treasure? I’ll think for like a second then be like nope I’m honting this bitch

* carcinoGeneticist  not responding still messageing  twinArmageddons**

twinArmageddons: Dament KK don’t tell me you haven’t thought thii2 through

twinArmageddons: hello are you even liisteniing?! 

carcinoGeneticist: YES GOG HOLD YOUR FUCKING HOOF BEASTS YOU IMPASHENT RAGING MORON. DONT YOU REMEMBER BEING A BROCKEN PAN WRIGLER WHO SOBED TEARS OF JOY WHEN YOU WERE FIRST INTRODUCED TO FRIENDS 

twinArmageddons: ug ye2 but that’s not the fucken point!! 

carcinoGeneticist:WELL EXUSE ME FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING YOUR DUBAL SPEEK. ALOW ME TO PROSTRATE MYSELF BEFORE YOU WELL  
MYSELF BEFOR YOU WELL YOU EXPLAIN IT TO ME. IS IT BECUSE HES A MUTENT?!

twinArmageddons KK you know I don’t give a 2wo 2hit2 about hemo2ectem bull2hiit. But how much do you actually know hiim? 

carcinoGeneticist: WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW HE DESERVES SOME FRIENDS

twinArmageddons: oh my gog are you.. are you piityiing hiim?! 

* turntechGodhead  is messaging  carcinoGeneticist in separate chat*

turntechGodhead: or is it you that got the treasher ie me 

turntechGodhead: I’ll be the sweetist if loot

* *  carcinoGeneticist not responding still messageing  twinArmageddons**

carcinoGeneticist: WHAT?! I BARELY KNOW HIM 

twinArmageddons: ye2 and knowing your de2preat shiit face iit only 2ook 2 miinute2 for you to fall a22 fiirst

carcinoGeneticist: SHUT THE FUCK UP, I DO NOT! HES A DOUCHEBAG THAT SPEAWS NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT EVEY TIME HE TIPES 

*  turntechGodhead  is messaging  carcinoGeneticist  in separate chat*

turntechGodhead: but then you be all like troll roben hood all speding out my friendship loot among all the poor saps 

* *  carcinoGeneticist not responding still messageing  twinArmageddons*

carcinoGeneticist: UG FUCK CAN YOU JUST GIVE IT A TRY?!

twinArmageddons: oh my gog what about the drone2? what about the ri2k you’re puttiing yourself iin I just don’t think thi2 is a good idea

carcinoGeneticist: WHAT FUCKEN RISK? ITS NOT ILLEGAL TO KNOW A MUTENT AS FAR AS I KNOW

twinArmageddons: you’re beiing deliiberately 2tuped you useliis tool 

*  turntechGodhead  is messaging  carcinoGeneticist  in separate chat*

turntechGodhead: thy worship the ground you wolk on all kissing your feet for giveing the gift of my friendship.

turntechGodhead: it’s the gratist gift you can give them 

turntechGodhead: yo you even on or am I wasting material?

* *  carcinoGeneticist  not responding still messageing  twinArmageddons*

carcinoGeneticist: UG IM NOT SAYING NOW AND I WOULD NEVER FORCE YOU IM JUST ASKING IF YOU WOULD WHEN I ASK NOW I HAVE TO RESPOND TO HIM 

*  carcinoGeneticist  opened a group chat with  turntechGodhead  and  twinArmageddons*

carcinoGeneticist: ...FUCK I DIDNT MEAN TO DO THAT.


	8. Dave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OK I’m already not great at spelling so this is gonna be hard doing the quirks I’m hoping I did it justice thou feel free to leave any comments or criticisms

Dave had been messaging Karkat if he could really trust that was his name. for awhile and was about to give up and start worrying that Karkat had been messing with him earlier and had pulled a friend into it. when he was pulled into a group chat by accent?

turntechGodhead: yo kat you finally answered my call to advancer and you brought another crew member to. Or more freandship booty

twinArmageddons:... damiit let me geus you got flustered and mashed a bunch of button2. 

carcinoGeneticist: SO?! ITS NOT LIKE I DID IT ON PURPOSE WHY THE FUCK DONT THY INCLUDE A FALL BACK BUTTON SAYING ARE YOU SHURE YOU WANT MAKE YOUR LIFE MISIBEL BY INCLUDING MORE GIBERING IDOITS INTO THIS CONVERSATION?! BECAUSE ID PAY FOR THAT

twinArmageddons: gog KK I’m 2erpriised that you husk top hasn’t committed suwaciide out of shame becau2e of the 2hame of being used by an iincompetent tec iilliiterate moron liike you

Holy shit this was a gold blood. Did he know the Kanaya girl? How the hell would a gold blood even meet a jade blood? Also he was on the list Karkat gave instantly dispelling any notion Dave had about Karkat being a male jade blood. Ok well Karkat still could be a jade blood he wasn’t going to rule anything out. But the more he and Karkat talked and the more trolls Karkat introduced Dave to, the more interesting Karkat got. Still what exactly was these two relationship? He felt a pang of something in his pusher. But he ignored it he was playing this cool

turntechGodhead: you ignoring me? That’s not cool how exactly are we supposed to go on a friendship voyage if this guy won’t get on bord? You promised me sweet friendship loot 

twinArmageddons: ..who’2 thiis douche bag? 

carcinoGeneticist: UG HES DAVE THIS OBSENT PAN FILD WITH MAGETS ASSHOLE IS SOLLUX 

turntechGodhead: yo dude. Didn’t mean to intrupt your good kismesis fight thou I still want your friendship loot 

carcinoGeneticist:......

twinArmageddons:......

turntechGodhead: what? Oh should I not call it loot but it’s like the best treasure of all. The treasher of friendship 

carcinoGeneticist: OH MY GOG SHUT UP WERE NOT

The feeling lessons a little but hay once you stick one foot in your mouth might as well keep going 

twinArmageddons:...... yah I mean he2 a pain in the a22 but iif you haven’t notiiced he’s like that to everyone 

turntechGodhead: oh so he’s a black slut 

twinArmageddons: hahaha

carcinoGeneticist: WHAT FUCK NO! I TACK RELATIONSHIPS SERIOUSLY!! JUST BECAUSE I SEAR ALOT AND AM GERNELY AN INTOLERABLE ASSHOLE DUSE NOT MEAN IM BLACK FOR SOMEONE! I JUST EXPRESS MYSELF WHEN PEOPLE ARE BEING THE MAGET FILLED SHIT SACS THY ARE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON. HAVENT FOUND SOMEONE THAT I HATE LIKE THAT YET, WHEN I FIND MY KISMESIS ARE GOING TO BE WITTEN INTHE STARS

turntechGodhead: I seem to have made you hate me an awful lot by asking that. and you were after my sweet freandship loot to. dame 

carcinoGeneticist: RRRRGGFESCHC

twinArmageddons: 2till KK i2 telling the truth he takes the quadrant2 waaay to 2eriiou2ly he2 even claiimed to be are groups resiident romance expert

turntechGodhead: what serisouly? 

carcinoGeneticist: SOMEONE HAS TO POINT THOUSE NOOK LICKERS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION OR THOUSE IDEOTS WOULD JUST STUBEL AROUND IN THE DARK NEVER KNOING THERE ASS FROM A QOUDERENT

twinArmageddons: ca2e iin poiint 

turntechGodhead: wow karykat I had no idea I was to a romance king you should have told me I would have bowed to your wisdom sooner.

carcinoGeneticist: SEE? SOMEONE GIVES ME THE RESPECT I DESERVE 

turntechGodhead: Dude as we speck I’m bowing on one knee and everything .

twinArmageddons: he’d be a 2hit king

carcinoGeneticist: IM A HACHED LEADER AND YOU KNOW IT. ID BE THE BEST KING OF ROMANCE IN THE UNIVERSE 

twinArmageddons: KK your just obsessed with it ha2 a 2hit tune of romance book2 and move2 it dusnt mean you actually know anything 

carcinoGeneticist: HOW DARE YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT, IF I DONT KNOW ANYTHING I MIGHT AS WELL LEAVE YOU TO FORGE THIS FRENDSHIP WITH YOUR FROND NUBS YOUR OWN! 

turntechGodhead: hay I never said you didn’t 

twinArmageddons: good go ahead a22hole 

turntechGodhead: don’t I get a say in this? I mean it’s so not cool you ignoreing me 

carcinoGeneticist: FINE ILL DO THAT THEN!

*carcinoGeneticist  loged off*

twinArmageddons:....

twinArmageddons: good he2 off.

turntechGodhead: you did that on purpose?

twinArmageddons: ug yah a2 much a2 ii hate to admiit it he duse know what he’2 doiing most tiime2 with romance. Thou iif you tell hiim ii wiill say your a lyer 

turntechGodhead: all right but why do it if you wanted some one on one time you just had to ask

twinArmageddons: Ug ii dont really care to get alone wiith you. ii just had to say one thiing wiich iif you repeat ii wiill hack your computer and put all your most embarrassiing 2ecret2 onliine were everyone can 2ee 

turntechGodhead: wow dame you got my attention 

twinArmageddons: Good because a2 much of a pain in the a22 KK can be if you get him hurt or hurt hiim or 2ome 2hiit ii wiill end you 

turntechGodhead: what why would I do any of that he seems like a really cool dude BFF material never looks so soft or so nice

twinArmageddons: you might on acendent but whatever I’ll hold you to your word for now. but I’m keepiing my eye2 on you douche bag

*carcinoGeneticist loged back on*


	9. Chapter 9

twinArmageddons: 2o you back from throwiing your liittle tantrum?

carcinoGeneticist: I JUST DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE DAVE TO EXPENINCE THE TORMENT OF YOUR INCREDIBLEY AWFUL PERSONLTY ALONE

twinArmageddons: Ya 2ure 

turntechGodhead: are you sure your not kismesisses?

carcinoGeneticist: NO! STOP ASKING YOU GOG DAME TOOL ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE NONE OF YOUR FUCKEN BISNISS EVEN IF WE WERE 

turntechGodhead: yes oh captain my captain if your sure. I’ll might dig up your friendship secrets anyway. So anyway we’re we on the friendship quest 

twinArmageddons: oh my gog is thii2 guy 2eriious?

carcinoGeneticist: UG I HAVE NO IDEA HES FULL OF SO MUCH BULLSHIT THAT EVERYTHING HE TIPES SMELLS OF THE PUGENT ODER OF DECAYING SHIT AND HIS OWN ROTING PAN

turntechGodhead: I’m serious as a drone. I mean do thous things even laugh or have any fealings other then murderise rampage? We should teach those things how to feel, hay crabycake what feel good romance move would you recommend to show a drone?

carcinoGeneticist: AGION WITH THE FUCKEN NICK NAMES GOG WHY CANT YOU LEAVE MY NAME THE FUCK ALONE?!. AND... IVE NEVER THOUGHT OF SHOWING A DRONE A ROMANCE MOVE BEFORE ...

twinArmageddons: hahaha oh my gog KK you can’t be considering it 

carcinoGeneticist: I MEAN.. NO! THOU THERE ARE SOME REALLY POWERFUL MOVIES OUT THERE... 

turntechGodhead: nice now we just have to find a way to do it how would we capture a Drone without dyeing. Would that go to earning your friendship Sollux

twinArmageddons: Fuck no that2 2tuped to do anyway

turntechGodhead: aww kitty I thought you were inducing me to freinds he dusnt want to give me his friendship loot 

carcinoGeneticist: COULD YOU STOP CALLING IT THAT ITS STUPID. AND THATS UP YO HIM. HOW ABOUT IT ASS LICKING NOOK GUZZER 

twinArmageddons: 2hit fiine! gog iif you a2k one more tiime Ii 2waiir iim goiing fliip my shiit 2o hard ii launch myself iinto the moon.

turntechGodhead: sweet kk you seriously just bothered him into being my friend 

twinArmageddons: hay that’s what ii call hiim he might be an iimmeasurable douche bag but he’s been my friiend for years so ii only get to get to call hiim that 

* grimAuxiliatrix  started trolling  turntechGodhead *

grimAuxiliatrix: Hello Dave I Believe I just Thought It Would Be Prudent For Me To Message You And Maybe Get To Know You More

grimAuxiliatrix: I’m Not Sure How Close You And Karkat Are Yet. But I’ve seen this Is Clearly Very Important To Him .So I’m Sure He Would Be Very Happy If We Actually Did Become Friends

*turntechGodhead  not responding messageing  twinArmageddons  and  carcinoGeneticist**

turntechGodhead: oh hold on a sec I need to add another person to this friendship circle. Thou I guess we’re only three people so it be more of a triangle? Anyway hear 

twinArmageddons: Are you iingoring what iI saiid?!

*turntechGodhead added  grimAuxiliatrix  to chat*

grimAuxiliatrix: oh um...

twinArmageddons: he diid and like this thiis wasn’t enough of a shiit show already 

carcinoGeneticist: I COMPLETELY AGREE. DAVE WHY DID YOU DRAG KANAYA INTO THIS SHIT STORM OF EPIC PERPOSHIONS? WHY WHOULD YOU DRAG ANYONE INTO IT? I WOULDNT WISH THIS ON THE WOST TROLL I KNOW AND I KNOW SOME REAL SHIT LORDS

turntechGodhead: idk man she was messaging me and I thought it would be pretty shitty if I left her out of the party so come on join in get your feet wet Kanaya 

twinArmageddons: I Suppose That Is The Thing I’ll Be Doing, Thou Ill be Honest I’m Not Really Sure What This Is 

twinArmageddons: iit2 torcher and bull2hit is what it is 

grimAuxiliatrix: I See. And I see Karkat has finally introduced you to his new..friend

turntechGodhead: so you know Kanaya to?

twinArmageddons: know her?! II unfortunately know everyone iin are shiity liittle freandshiip ciircle we somehow landed a22 backward2 iin. Thou Kanaya i2 one of my best friiends and one of the coolest of the bunch 

carcinoGeneticist: THANKS A LOT YOU PILE OF MAGOTS. I DO AGREE THOU SHE PUTS UP WHITH ALL ARE HOOF BEAST SHIT BETTER THEN SHE SHOULD 

grimAuxiliatrix: It’s Nice To Know I’m So Appreciated

turntechGodhead: so then how did you meet? 

carcinoGeneticist: GEUSE WHAT THAT IS YOU NOSEY FUCK WOD. ITS NUNE OF YOUR BISNISS 

twinArmageddons: yah! Get your nose out of are nook2 you no2y jack a22

grimAuxiliatrix: I Thought It Was Rather Cute When I Met You Two. But If You two Are Too Embarrassed Then I Can At Ieast Tell Him That Karkat Introduced Use 

carcinoGeneticist; KANAYA WHAT THE FACK YOU CANT JUST REVEAL THINGS LIKE THAT 

twinArmageddons: ya no one needs to know anythiing about back then let’2 keeped looked up in a safe were it belong2

grimAuxiliatrix: I Thought Telling Him At Least That Was Fine, It’s The Bare Bones Of Information But Fine You Too

turntechGodhead: well it seems like thats secrets locked up tight so tight I don’t even think the master lock smith can get it it’s lock is only made of the best metals in thumbprint technology it’s guarded like the most precious of secrets. I thought friends were supposed to know things about each other? 

carcinoGeneticist: JUST BECAUSE WERE FRIENDS DUSNT MEAN YOU GET TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ARE MISERABLE FUCKING LIVES AND ARE DEEPEST SECRETS 

twinArmageddons: Yah be2ide2 if you have an i2ue wiith 2ecret2. You better fuck off riight now. KK 2till has told any of us his blood colour even though we’ve known him for year2

turntechGodhead: what really? 

carcinoGeneticist: BECAUSE WHY DUSE IT FUCKEN MATTER AND ITS NO ONES BISNISS BUT MY OWN 

turntechGodhead: so this friendship craven has a shit tun of secrets that will reman undiscovered or else I may set off the traps like troll Indiana Jones? I can respect that Thou resisting Plundering the depth is going to be difficult. So what can you guys tell me me about The other trolls I’ll be meeting 

carcinoGeneticist: THE BESICS YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THERE A BUCH OF INCOMPEDENT DUMB SHITS THAT WOULDNT KNOW THERE ASS FROM THERE HEADS MOST TIMES 

grimAuxiliatrix: I Have To Desagree I Think All Are Freinds Are Competent In There Own Ways

twinArmageddons: even the shiit faced clown?

grimAuxiliatrix: Er Yes I Retract My Former Statement 

turntechGodhead: wait wait wait. You guys know a Juggalo how the fuck did that happen or is this another secret thing dammit these secrets are just calling out my name like sirens.


	10. Dave

carcinoGeneticist: ITS NOT A SECRET YOU NOOK SNIFFER THAT SOPER FILLED PAN ADDELED IDOT JUST BUMBLED HIS ASS INTO ME AND THE GROUP SOMEHOW 

twinArmageddons: he’s KK’s freind not mine. and if you think a jugalo is weird and are questioning KK’s mentetel health for saying he’s a friend2 with a literal fucken juglo then congratulations you earned a medal for knowing the fucking obvious. 

carcinoGeneticist: OH SHUT UP YOU WIDE GAPING ASS AT LEAST HES A HARMLISS

grimAuxiliatrix: It’s Really Admirable You Defend Him But ...Sometimes I Feel Something Is Off About Him

carcinoGeneticist: KANAYA YOUR CONCERN ITS ENTIRELY MISPLACED. WELL HE IS A SHIT WESEAL WHITH A LOWER IQ THEN A ROCK AND IS OBJECTIVELY AWFUL BUT HES NOT EVEN THE WORSE OF THE FUCKERS WE KNOW.  
I’m  


turntechGodhead: holy shit dude really?! This friendship group just gets more and more interesting. At first I thought I was reeling in a sardine or some thing, but apparently I reeled in a shark. Who’s the dangerous one then?

grimAuxiliatrix: Qight. Karkat Is Talking About Vriska Who Is Quite Difficult

twinArmageddons: that’2 more then a little of an understatement. 2he’s a goddamn psychopath. 

grimAuxiliatrix : I’m well Aware Vriska is.. Well Vriska.... But She’s Still Invalid In Are Freind Group

turntechGodhead: shit man so when will I meet her? Or the Juggalo for that matter for they just going to both double time me?

carcinoGeneticist: HIS NAME IS GAMZEE YOU DOUCHE NOZZLE! IT DEPENDS WHEN YOU WANT TO, HES KINDA A SPACE NUT SO HE MIGHT ACEDTLY LET SOMETHING TO OTHER TROLLS 

carcinoGeneticist: AND YOU WONT BE MEETING VRISKA IF I CAN FUCKEN HELP IT 

turntechGodhead: what nooooo you can’t show me such a juicy brate and real it away

carcinoGeneticist: TO FUCKEN BAD YOU MASCASTIC SOCK EATER! I’M NOT HAVING ANOTHER TAVROS SICHWATION 

turntechGodhead: tavros sichwation? Man you can’t just keep dropping stuff like that without explanating shit 

grimAuxiliatrix: She Tryed to Kill Him And He Ended Up Crippled And That’s Not The Only Thing She’s Dune

turntechGodhead: whaght really?! 

twinArmageddons:.... 

carcinoGeneticist: OH DONT BE LIKE THAT YOU SENSTIVE WRIGGLER. WE DIDNT FORGET I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE A DECENT FUCKEN TROLL BY NOT BRINGING UP SOMETHING SO OBVIOUSLY PAINFUL WITH A STANGER

twinArmageddons:.... is that you trying and failing to be con2iderate? I 2ware hunybager would do better

carcinoGeneticist: OH FUCK YOU THATS THE LAST TIME I TRY TO BE NICE

grimAuxiliatrix: It Might Be a Bad Idea To Try To Hide Things From Her, You Know She’ll Find Out Eventually And She Might Be Worse If She Thinks You’re Keeping Stuff From Her

carcinoGeneticist: UG YOU HAVE A POINT THAT BITCH IS GETS HER FROUND NUBS INTO EVERYTHING 

twinArmageddons: can we 2top fucking talking about this 

grimAuxiliatrix: Of course I Am Sorry Sollox 

turntechGodhead: damn this seems like a poor nerve to poke dammit there’s more treasure hidden on this bitch than anything else

twinArmageddons : ye2 and fucken deal with iit. 

turntechGodhead: it’s not faaaiir. what can you tell me about the other trolls you’ll introduce me too. You can’t keep everything locked up in that friendship Indiana Jones cavern

twinArmageddons: well there’s a fiish fuck which somehow KK bonded over the fuckiing over ogre movie wiith 

Dave blinked out that they already a sea dweller you all are and we’re friends with them. It was definitely frustrating if he revealed his blood colour he thought he might got more out of them. But that might put them on guard and he might lose these new Padres compadres, freandmegos which he wasn’t really up for even with all the sketchy bullshit this was the most fun he had in a long time besides maybe he’d find out more if he kept on being under cover it come in time right no need to be impatient. 

carcinoGeneticist: HAY THAT MOVE HAS ONE OF THE MOST STABEL QUADRANT MOVES OUT THERE! THE HOW MATESPRITS FIONA AND SHREK GROW WITH EACH OTHER IS GOG DAME BEAUTIFUL. AND THE MOIRALLEGIANCE BETWEEN DONKY AND SHRECK IS GOLD.

twinArmageddons: ug 2o fucken 2tuped anyway the point is they’re all pretty weird. How KK just gathers all the weirdos. All of them. There’2 too many to name all the fuckiing once 

turntechGodhead: that movie has imbued itself in meme culture and deserves our respects. I should join you twos club and like bild a shrine or church for it 

carcinoGeneticist: EXUSE ME BUT DONT FUCKING WRECK THIS FOR ME! JUST LET ME FUCKING APPRECIATE THE MOVE WHITHOUT BILDING A SHINE OR WHATEVER THE STUPID SHIT YOU SAID. 

grimAuxiliatrix: I should I feel like we should get back on topic and tell Dave a little bit about our friends

turntechGodhead: here comes Kanaya all like finding are ors instead of letting us drift around aimlessly on the sea she’s actually trying to get us back to land

grimAuxiliatrix: It’s What I Do You Should See How Off-Topic These To Get Without Me Here 

twinArmageddons: wiich iis why we’re glad your not around for a lot of them 

carcinoGeneticist: YAH ITS FRANCKLY EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU ARE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> L Yes Karkat loves Shrek it actually could be a really good troll movie in quadrant whatever. in fact I bet you all the money that’s how he and Eridan bonded.. that’s my head canon and you can’t stop it!


	11. Karkat

grimAuxiliatrix: I Don’t See anything Particularly Embarrassing Talking To MY Two Childhood Friends. But If You Say so. Anyway back on topic 

turntechGodhead: dame there she gos again she’s like the shepherd of are wool beast flock. without her we’d be like wondering around and walk of a cliff or something with how off topic we get

carcinoGeneticist: YES THANK GOG FOR HER WED BE LOST IN THE MOST ASSNINE CONVERSATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE WITHOUT HER

twinArmageddons: haha you a22holes are doiing it agaiin. Anyway besides the fii2h fuck and who iis a annoyiing douche and the fucken clown.. 

twinArmageddons:, there is terezii the justiice freak. anuther fii2h who iis actually Priitty ok. the one who acts liike a cat, the 2nob, the criippled pu2hover, the biitch... and ..... 

twinArmageddons: ... ...Aradiia.... .

carcinoGeneticist: YOU PANTS WETING MORON DONT BRING HER YOUR GOING TO GET ALL SALKY 

twinArmageddons: oh fuck you ii can briing her up iif iI want! Gog your 2uch a worryed liittle wriiggler 

turntechGodhead: who’s Aradiia? Is this another secret treasher that’s locked up so tight that it’ll never see the light of day again? 

carcinoGeneticist: ITS SOLLUX SECREAT YOU SHIT EATING SCUMBAG WHO HAS THE DELCESY OF A LUMBERING TRUNK BEST 

carcinoGeneticist: SO DONT STICK YOUR NOSTACLE IN HIS BISNISS! ITS HIS CHOICE IF HE WANTS TO UNLOCK HIS SECRET TREASURE. 

turntechGodhead: ha I got you using pirate sayings to.

Karkat could not believe it he actually was playing along with this guys stupid shit it just seem to draw him in somehow. and what was with all the pirate shit? God maybe he shouldn’t have been so worried about vriska? he was obsessed with pirate shit too so maybe they get along?

carcinoGeneticist: FUCK YOU YOU SHIT EATING WAST OF SPACE

turntechGodhead: only if you want me to baby. 

carcinoGeneticist: GRFJBTH HDHNGFVDGH!

turntechGodhead: Dude I think Shuty dude just smashed his head against the keyboard. but fine I won’t look up the Aradiia on the treasure map I’ll be all discreet pirate hiding that shit away

twinArmageddons: iits Aradiia.. Aradiia! Fuck Aradiia gog dame it! ARADIIA!!! 

grimAuxiliatrix: Aradia 

twinArmageddons: thank you! Gog dame fucken liisp! 

grimAuxiliatrix: Your Welcome. So Now Sollux Has Told You About Are friends..

twinArmageddons: or more liike 2ome tolerable people mixed wiith bat 2hiit acquaiintance2 that were forced to deal with

grimAuxiliatrix: What do you think? 

turntechGodhead: honestly I cannot wait to meet all of them this sounds like the fucking best I do not know how you got such a motley Crew mr crabykat but I tip my hat to you and I cannot wait for you to introduce me. Be all like here’s a cool dude. 

carcinoGeneticist: THE DAY I THINK YOUR COOL IS THE DAY I DECIDED TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE BASHING MY PAN AGEST THE HARDEST ROCK INTILL THE MUSH THAT WAS MY PAN PURMTLY STAINS THE GROUND.

carcinoGeneticist: BUT INTRUDUCING YOU IS THE FUCKEN POINT OF THIS YOU DENSE STOGE. 

turntechGodhead: then better start Bashing. who are you going to introduce me to next? Come on dude i’m eager for more friendship gold let’s get going on this Adventure. 

carcinoGeneticist: TIMORROW YOU IMPASHENT ASS! GOG IM SORRY I DIDNT WANT TO OVER WHELM YOU

turntechGodhead: well.. thanks..

carcinoGeneticist: ANYWAY WHO DO YOU WANT TO MEET NEXT?

turntechGodhead: idk man supise me? Options seem so choice I mean damn you can’t just show A man so many choice pieces of friendship and just expect him to say hot damn I want that one some basic information

grimAuxiliatrix: I Think Terezi Would Be The Next Logical Choice, She’s One Of Your Best Friends And She’d Be Hurt If You Kept It From Her Too Long

carcinogeneticist: UG SHES THE FUCKEN TUFFIST TROLL I KNOW I DONT THINK KEEPING A PAN EMPTY JUZ SPEWING NOOK SNIFFER WOULD HURT HER. 

grimAuxiliatrix: If your sure

It Really wasn’t like he wanted to hurt her.. would that really hurt her anyway? she was so weird sometimes it was hard to gauge how she felt about things her for years and sometimes didn’t always get her.

carcinogeneticist: BESIDES IT MIGHT BE BETTER FOR ME TO TEST THE WATERS? YOU KNOW HER JUSTICE IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO HER.. 

twinArmageddons: KK you dont 2eriously think she turn hiim iin

carcinogeneticist: FUCK NO ....WELL.. NO..

grimAuxiliatrix: oh Karkat...

carcinogeneticist: LOOK ITS NOT STUPID TO ASUME THAT SOMEONE WHOS DEVOTED THERE LIFE TO AND IS OBSESSED WITH CARRYING OUT JUSTICE, MIGHT JUST DO SOMETHING TO SOMEONE WHO IS BRAKEING THE LAW BY BEING ALIVE! 

carcinogeneticist: I WILL EVENTUALLY I PROMISE BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE ITS OK BEFORE I DO.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really think this is one of the reasons why Karkat didn’t tell Terezi is that I think as long as he’s known her she’s been obsessed with justice and following it out. He loves her a lot but Knowing someone is so obsessed with something that can kill you is going to make you hesitate to tell them about it. Besides if he did tell her it would be compromising her sense of justice as far as he’s concerned because if she lets him live after he tells her then he’s fundamentally compromising Anything he knows she stands for


	12. Dave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank @thecryptkids Checking my spelling and helping me format and colorcode this chapter I can’t thank them enough!

turntechGodhead: dude you dont have to worry about me id be fine im like... idk like some clam or like a shark, im tough, id be fine

  


grimAuxiliatrix: So You Want To Meet Her Next? 

  


turntechGodhead: i mean id be fine with it, i’ll trust clamkat though hes been doing a pretty good job at steering this shit so far, and i wouldnt want to insult his skills as a badass captain

  


carcinoGeneticist: ...I'M GLAD YOU HAVE SUCH FAITH IN ME?

  


turntechGodhead: no problem dude as i said, haven’t steered me wrong yet  
turntechGodhead: you have like the coolest friends, youre lucky youre sharing or i just might steal them from you, or you from them? you know i couldn’t resist stealing the main gem

  


twinArmageddons: eww! gog could you not fliirt wiith KK? You barely know hiim

  


turntechGodhead: what? im not i just called him that because hes the one who contacted me first and seems to have pushed you all together

  


Which was very unusual, this group seemed to have all different types. It was unusual enough for trolls to have a large friend group but to have brought trolls from such different castes and blood colours together, it should have been impossible, so for Karkat to do this, to do what should be impossible. Dave finds himself really wanting to meet him. Maybe he could figure out what sea dwellers they know and have them show him? 

turntechGodhead: why you jellies bro?

  


twinArmageddons: oh fuck off! Though iit i2 true he pu2hed u2 2gether liike some deformed broken piiece2 of gla22

  


grimAuxiliatrix: It’s True And I’m Forever Grateful To Him For That

  


carcinoGeneticist:......

  


turntechGodhead: holy shit i think you embarrassed him, this is amazing i wish i could be there to take a picture of this momentous occasion id all up and get someone to paint a picture of that shit

  


carcinoGeneticist: OH SHUT YOUR LOAD GAPING SQUAK BLASTER! WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS HUH?! YOU SEEM SO FIXATED ON MINE

  


Karkat was definitely deflecting, Dave knew that trick enough to see it, this guy was so obvious about it. He would still suspect Karkat was pulling something but it seemed he wore too much of himself on his sleeve, he knew assuming would be foolish and silly, he only knew them about two days, but honestly started to feel like he knew them for so much longer. 

turntechGodhead: you really think my red mutant ass has many? i just have one bossy moirail 

  


carcinoGeneticist: YEAH UM, THAT MAKES SENSE... STILL YOU AT LEAST HAVE ONE FRIEND DESPITE YOUR MUTATION. DO THEY KNOW?! 

  


turntechGodhead: do you think i would tell a public chat room of my blood colour before i tell my own moirail? Come on dude youve known me for a little bit but at least you should know im not that uncool

  


carcinoGeneticist: ......RIGHT.... 

  


Dave had a weird sense that Karkat wanted to say something else. 

carcinoGeneticist: WELL THEN, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO INTRODUCE USE TO THEM?! YOU KEEP INSISTING I SHOW MORE OF MY FRIENDS BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU HUH?! YOU OBTUSE FUCK!

  


turntechGodhead: dont worry my weird gray typing bro, i plan to, i mean what kinda bro would i be if i dont share my friends, it would be so uncool, im just waiting for like the prime friendship time

  


twinArmageddons: and when would priime friien2hiip tiime be?

  


turntechGodhead: idk dude i guess tomorrow? shes a bit much... shes a snooty broad, im a bit worried about her spilling all my embarrassing friendship beens or her psychoanalyze you and you all running away

  


carcinoGeneticist: SAD TO SAY BUT WE KNOW WORSE

  


twinArmageddons: Yeah, you’ve heard what kiind of piieces of 2hiit we already have iin our group. But gog do we really have 2 add another crazy 2notty biitch iin here?!  
twinArmageddons: Don’t we have enough crazy p2ycho troll2 iin our bullshiit friiend group already?!

  


grimAuxiliatrix: Well. Agree We Know Too Many Unstable People We Don’t Know For Sure His Friends Is One Of Them. It Would Be Sort Of Unfair Not To, Since We Already Accepted Dave, Besides If She Accepted Dave She’ll Fit Right In With Us

  


turntechGodhead: .. you have no idea how much you sound like her..

  


carcinoGeneticist: IF SHE'S LIKE KANAYA THEN WE SHOULD BE FINE, EXCEPT FOR EXCESSIVE MEDDLING

  


turntechGodhead: yeah she will definitely be doing that, shes all about meddling in peoples business and pans

  


twinArmageddons: Great.. II 2till 2ay II don’t need another fu22y fang2 meddliing iin my bus2iine22, one Kanaya ii2 enough

  


grimAuxiliatrix: I Didn’t Realize You Were So Opposed To My Meddling

  


twinArmageddons: II'm fucking not, but II know you. II don’t want 2ome 2tranger meddliing iin my liife

  


turntechGodhead: i’ll try to tell her to keep her fond knobs off your pan but no promises

  


twinArmageddons: Great! ju2t great! you know what? fuck thiis II’m off

  


twinArmageddons [TA] logged off

  


turntechGodhead: well damn, shit just flew off the handle like shit wanted nothing to do with it, the shit is now flying 70 miles away from that handle at full speed and not looking back

  


carcinoGeneticist: UGH YEAH, HE GETS LIKE THAT. I HAVE TO SAY I REALLY AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO AN UNKNOWN ASSHOLE TRYING TO MEDDLE IN MY BUSINESS…

  


turntechGodhead: soo does that mean you dont want to meet her? man and i thought you were all about involving people and getting them all up in this friend group its so disappointing, im disappointed in you

  


His text sounded sarcastic, but it really wasn’t, he really would be upset if he couldn’t involve Rose, not that it would stop him, and he was sure she would barge in anyway despite his wishes. 

grimAuxiliatrix: I’m Sure That’s Not What He Ment. Right Karkat?

  


carcinoGeneticist: RIGHT! IT’S JUST... UGH, YOU'LL GET IT WHEN I INTRODUCED YOU MORE OF THESE ASSHOLES

  


turntechGodhead: right nice! sweet disappointment revoked, now you only got my sincere and utmost respect, who are you going to introduce me next anyways?

  


grimAuxiliatrix: I’d Suggest Aradia If You’re Really Deciding To Hold Off On Terezi

  


carcinoGeneticist: YEAH FINE. I'D ARGUE BUT THAT MAKES THE ONLY LOGICAL SENSE

  


grimAuxiliatrix: Good Now That’s Sorted. I Have Some Things To Attend To, So I Have To Log Out As Well. Talk To You Tomorrow

  


carcinoGeneticist: ALRIGHT BYE KANAYA

  


turntechGodhead: bye kan it’s nice to meet you

  


grimAuxiliatrix: .... Please Do Not Call Me That

  


turntechGodhead: aw why not? im inviting everyone to the nickname party, do you not want to be invited? come on i dont want to exclude you

  


grimAuxiliatrix: I Am Perfectly Fine With Being Excluded From That Particular Party, Now Please Never Call Me That Again

  


turntechGodhead: fiiine but youre missing out, i mean i cant just give coolkat all the nicknames

  


carcinoGeneticist: I DON'T FUCKING WANT YOU TO FUCK WITH MY NAME EITHER

  


turntechGodhead: nope, no can do, you were the one to contact me so that means you get premium nickname rights

  


carcinoGeneticist: GDGHFFFFUUUKKK YOOOOOUUU

  


grimAuxiliatrix: Anyways, Goodbye You Two  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA]


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks agion to @thecryptkids and all the people who like this fic

turntechGodhead: so now its just us, two bros hanging out chatting, i mean damn all the trolls you introduced me too are like some interesting stuff but damn i don’t think ive gotten some one on one time since the first time  


carcinoGeneticist: UGH SHUT YOUR SQUAWK BLASTER, YOU FESTERING PILE OF EXCREMENT. IT'S JUST BEEN BUSY SINCE THEN!  


turntechGodhead: yeah bro you been introducing me to some choice pearls, but still youre the guy that started it all and itd do you like a major bummer not to get to know you  
turntechGodhead: like i said earlier it be a shame to just skip the main gem and just study the pearls  


carcinoGeneticist:...UGH YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT I AM. STILL I'M GLAD YOU LIKE MY... UGH... FRIENDS  


turntechGodhead: idk dude i mean you definitely seem all shouty and stuff but yet to see one shitty thing  


carcinoGeneticist: JUST WAIT, YOU WILL.  


turntechGodhead: well damn dude im not sure i should be looking forward to this or not  
turntechGodhead: should we set this up on the official calendar the day or should i wait on my tippy toes with anticipation for the day you be a bastard  


carcinoGeneticist: I'D USUALLY SAY I'M A BASTARD ALL DAYS UNTIL THE UNIVERSE HAS A CONNIPTION AND FALLS OVER DEAD. BUT I APPARENTLY I NEED TO TRY HARDER, I'D GIVE IT A WEEK  
carcinoGeneticist: ANYWAYS, I UM... WANTED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING'S ABOUT UM... BEING A MUTANT, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO OR I ASK SOMETHING PERSONAL. FEEL FREE TO TELL ME TO GO FUCK MYSELF  


turntechGodhead: i mean sure if you dont mind me asking some questions back, it has to be equivalent exchange all up in here  


carcinoGeneticist: WELL IT DEPENDS, I'M NOT GOING TO SPILL OTHER TROLLS PERSONAL AND PAINFUL INFO ON YOUR MORONIC SELF  
carcinoGeneticist: IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THEIR STUPID SHIT, ASK THEM  


turntechGodhead: fair enough  


It wasn’t like he was going to be telling this guy the truth anyway. He wasn’t really a mutant but he could make some stuff up, it actually sounded rather fun. He felt the tiniest bit guilty about it, but this guy might not have contacted him at all if he wasn’t a mutant. It was probably just curiosity but still Dave could work with it.  


turntechGodhead: so how are we going to get this thing started?  
turntechGodhead: shindig?  
turntechGodhead: hullabaloo?  
turntechGodhead: party?  
turntechGodhead: loud noise pumping beat popping stomp stumpy nubs taping shout thing  


carcinoGeneticist: OH MY TROLL JEGUS. I'LL GO FIRST! SHUT YOUR NEVER ENDING CHITINOUS WINDHOLE. GOG I'M SURPRISED YOUR IGNORANCE SHAFT DOESN'T EXPLODE WITH HOW BIG IT IS  


turntechGodhead: sounds good ladies first, i’ll be a proper gentleman and all  


carcinoGeneticist: I'M NOT A FUCKINGN LADY, YOU BROKEN LOBE NOOK FUDDLING MORON  


turntechGodhead: still, you asked first so its only like polite and shit to let you go first, as i said, total gentleman all the way  


carcinoGeneticist: GOG I WANT TO STAB OUT MY GANDERBULBS JUST READING THIS. BUT FINE  
carcinoGeneticist: WHAT’S YOUR LUSUS?  


Well his lusus was gl’bgolyb of course, but he really couldn’t say that or it would give away his whole thing. He looked on his trophy shelf where he kept the heads of the lusii he had to feed to gl’bgolyb, none of them really stuck out. He decided to choose something that he always liked to look at when he went to the surface. He always likes to sit on a rock and study the squawk beasts and other flying lusii  


turntechGodhead: a rambunctious caw lusus, his name is dj fluffy feathers strider, what about you?  


carcinoGeneticist: THATS A KINDA BULLSHIT NAME, BUT WHATEVER. MINE IS A CRAB LUSUS, SNIP SHELL VANTAS  


turntechGodhead: that explains so much i mean damn crabkat you really take after your lusus  


carcinoGeneticist: GEE I WONDER WHY I WOULDN'T TAKE AFTER THE PERSON THAT RAISED ME. IT'S SUCH A MYSTERY  


turntechGodhead: yeah we should troll sherlock the shit out of this, find out all the clues investigate all the angles, you dont have to worry about this catkat, we will solve this mystery  


carcinoGeneticist: I THINK YOU MADE ME ROLL MY GANDER BULBS SO HARD THEY MAY NEVER STOP SPINNING. WHAT ABOUT YOUR BULLSHIT QUESTION  


turntechGodhead: right right, its equivalent exchange time  
turntechGodhead: time for me to ask a question of the same value  
turntechGodhead: damn what would be a question of equal value, it has to be equal clubcat, it just has to be  


carcinoGeneticist: CAN YOU EVER STOP YOUR ASININE RAMBLING AND JUST ASK?  


turntechGodhead: oh yeah on it, so um whats your blood colour?  


Shit, you have meant to ask that, but he’s never been one to watch when he said in text form or in person  


carcinoGeneticist: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS  


turntechGodhead: wow i thought we were all about equivalent exchange here  


carcinoGeneticist: I... LOOK I MIGHT TELL YOU...  
carcinoGeneticist: JUST.. LATER... LET ME HAVE SOME TIME  
carcinoGeneticist: AND GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER...  


Dave was now even more curious. He needed to know but it seemed he wouldn’t be getting answers today. Maybe he would get to know when he’s actually met this guy, would he ever meet this guy?  


turntechGodhead: still not particularly fair but fine you destroy equivalent exchange dude  


carcinoGeneticist: JUST ASK ME ANOTHER QUESTION, THEN IT WOULD BE FAIR  


turntechGodhead: right then im not sure what to ask  
turntechGodhead: hmm what about how you got into romance i mean i was calling you the king of romance earlier but im kind of wondering how you got into it  


carcinoGeneticist: WHEN I WAS A WRIGGLER I.. I DIDN’T GET OUT MUCH.  
carcinoGeneticist: SO I READ AND WATCHED A LOT OF MOVIES AND TV. MY FAVOURITE GENRE WAS ROMANCE, WATCHING THE COMPLICATED QUADRANTS PLAY OUT, WATCHING THE TYPES OF CONNECTIONS FORM, MADE ME MORE AND MORE INVESTED IN IT.  
carcinoGeneticist: DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, SHIT STAIN?  


turntechGodhead: yeah thats sorta cute, lonely kid house hermit just watching stuff and then just gets addicted to romance  


carcinogeneticist: DONT FUCKING CALL ME CUTE! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE! EVEN IF YOU DID, YOUR GANDER BULBS WOULD HAVE TO BE BLIND TO FIND ME ANYTHING RESEMBLING CUTE. I AM A RESPONSIBLE TERRIFYING TROLL  


turntechGodhead: whatever you say dude  



	14. Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to @thecryptkids. Keeping the Karkat and Dave Conversations stay on point he’s like trying to get a goldfish to keep on focussing...

carcinoGeneticist: GOG YOUR SUCH SHIT SPEWING MORON  


turntechGodhead: i aim to please you mr kark  


carcinoGeneticist: YOU'RE DOING THE OPPOSITE OF THAT! DID SOMEONE REPLACE YOUR THINK PAN WITH ROCKS TO GIVE YOU SUCH A SPASM INDUCING IDEA?!  


turntechGodhead: then what would please you my lord? i think you were owed a question yourself, so what are you going to ask? what a mutant actually looks like? how many nooks i got?  


Karkat knew how mutants looked, at least he knew how he himself looked. Honestly, he wondered how other mutants would look or should look, it was a weird thought since mutants weren’t supposed to exist. Dave suggestions only serve to freak him out, did Dave have multiple nooks?! or other deformities other than the blood colour? should mutents be bigger than him? he certainly hope so, he hated being so fucking short. He shook his head. No, he was being utterly ridiculous again. There was no mutant standard, they shouldn’t even exist. He should just be happy he found someone else like him, still, the questions kept coming.  


carcinoGeneticist: THAT'S DISGUSTING DAVE! WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR FLEA INFESTED NOCK  


turntechGodhead: gross  


carcinoGeneticist: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED IT!  


turntechGodhead: true but you brought fleas into it, not cool dude, not cool  


carcinoGeneticist: OH SHUT UP, YOU SPOOGE INFESTED PAN ROTTING SHIT FOR BRAINS. YOU'RE DISTRACTING ME FROM MY QUESTION!  


turntechGodhead: oh yeah, to be fair dude thats not that hard  


carcinoGeneticist: YOUR CONSTANT BULLSHIT IS TO BLAME! ANYWAYS, FUCK, WHERE WAS I?  


turntechGodhead: ckat, did you forget your question? tsk tsk man, i am so ashamed of you  


carcinoGeneticist: SHUT UP! YOU KEEP DERAILING ME  


turntechGodhead: so ashamed, i mean come on man, all we've been at talking about is the damn question  


carcinoGeneticist: FUCK YOU! ANYWAYS, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT FRIENDS EARLIER, YOU MENTIONED YOUR MOIRAIL AND I WAS WONDERING WHO YOU MENT  


turntechGodhead: oh... rose? thats a surprisingly tame question dude, i mean you have like the whole universe of options and thats what you go for  


carcinoGeneticist: JUST ANSWER IT, YOU INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE  


Honestly, he knew how he made friends, but how would another mutant? when the danger was too much. But, then he didn’t know how he’d have the will to survive without them, still it was a big risk making friends. He wondered how another mutant would’ve done it.  


turntechGodhead: well... i was wondering close to the sea watching the waves  


carcinogeneticist: DAVE HOLY SHIT, DO YOU WANT TO BE CULLED? FIRST THE BULLSHIT WITH THE CHAT FORUM, NOW I FIND OUT YOU’VE BEEN PULLING THIS SHIT BEFORE. GOOD GOG, WHAT KIND OF MORON ARE YOU?  


turntechGodhead: awww kitty is worried about me, don’t worry i have like the sickest sword skills ever, i could take on anyone i wanted to  


He was a little bit jealous, he didn’t know if he could defend himself from a sea dweller, he desperately wanted to, and knew he might have to if he wanted to survive. He’d have to be strong to get to be a Threshecutioner, but deep down, he worried if he could actually do it. How did Dave even even go outside without fearing for his life? Karkat remembered when all he knew was fear, fear for his very existence ending. In his worst moments he feared he’d be killed, then his friends would find out his secret and they'd say "oh he was a mutant, so he probably deserved it. Can’t believe we hung out with a mutant". His fear always turned to anger, though it was much easier to handle.  


carcinoGeneticist: … JUST... ANSWER DIPSHIT  


turntechGodhead: sure, anyway she saw me and we started talking and basically we've been joined at the hip since then  


Karkat wonders if his sea dweller moirail keeps Dave safe, it sounds like one of his romcoms. Karkat wanted to ask about it, find out more.  


carcinoGeneticist: THAT'S SWEET  


turntechGodhead: your such a romance dude, it’s embarrassing  


carcinoGeneticist: OH SHUT UP. ROMANCE OF ALL KINDS IS BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL!  


turntechGodhead: you, my good sir, are a softy  


carcinogeneticist: WHAT THE FUCK? I'M A RESPECTABLE TROLL! JUST BECAUSE I LIKE ROMANCE, DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT TOUGH, IT JUST MEANS I'M FASCINATED WITH QUADRANTS AND WITH HOW COMPLICATED THEY ARE, SOMEONE HAS TO LOOK INTO THEIR INTRICACIES  


turntechGodhead: pfft whatever you say dude, didnt say it was a bad thing  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave: io Karkat it’s almost Christmas
> 
> Karkat: THE HUMAN THING?! YES I KNOW DAVE WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TELLING ME
> 
> dave: Because we have to wach Christmas movies now it’s like the law or some thing 
> 
> Karkat: THATS STUPID AND PROBABLY NOT TRUE BUT WHATEVER 
> 
> *end up a Christmas romance move* 
> 
> dave: hahah holy shit that was terrible
> 
> karkat:.......
> 
> dave: are you ok dude?
> 
> karkat: ...DAVE THAT WAS AMAZING!WHY DIDN’T SEE THIS BEFORE?! 
> 
> dave: because it’s not? Besides it’s Christmas movie dude you can only watch them on Christmas
> 
> karkat: DAVE
> 
> dave: ‘ oh fuck no’
> 
> karkat: WE HAVE TO WACH ALL THESE KINDS OF MOVES 
> 
> dave: what nnoo we cant just watch Christmas romance moves for the next few days! There’s to meany 
> 
> karkat: ALL OF THEM! 
> 
> dave: shit 
> 
> * and that is how Dave became terrified of Christmas because Karkat would insist on watching his shitty Christmas romance movies every year*


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @thecryptkids for formatting and checking my spelling. You rock.

turntechGodhead: ha whatever you say dude, but since youre such a romance guy, my next question should be... how many quadrants do you have filled?  


Actually speaking of Rose, of course Dave was lying about how he met her. it’s been a long time since then.He had Gl'bgolyb and used to be a tiny little... just a tiny bit upset about feeding her... course he was over those childish feelings now. Guilty? Why should he feel guilty? No guilt here, just awesomeness. He even kept the skulls as trophies. Anyway she’d found him as He'd been sort of... apologizing to a lusus that he killed, rose swam up to him, curious. He deflated a bit, but her psychobabble got into his mind and well, they've been talking since then.  


carcinoGeneticist: HOW IS THAT FAIR?? YOU ACCUSE ME OF ASKING A MUNDANE QUESTION BUT YOU GET TO GO FOR THE THROAT?!  


turntechGodhead: hey we were talking about romance and quadrants, i couldnt help it, it was on my mind  


carcinogeneticist: WELL... I KINDA HAVE A MOIRALL BUT.. NOTHING OFFICIAL  


turntechGodhead: is it one of the trolls ive already met? is it Kanaya? if so, she hasnt helped with your temper much  


carcinogeneticist: NO SHE ISN'T, YOU NOISEY NOOK SNIFFER! BESIDES AS I SAID WE'RE NOT REALLY OFFICIAL… THEY'RE TRYING, BUT MY RED HOT RAGE AND GOG AWFUL ASSHOLE PERSONALITY ISN'T GOING AWAY EASILY.  
carcinogeneticist: THEY'RE TRYING THEIR BEST WITH MY SORRY EXCUSE OF SHIT SPEWING SELF  


turntechGodhead: i was kidding dude, but damn dude way to be down on yourself  
turntechGodhead: your going to bring the hive down with all that negative not to mention untrue thinking  


carcinoGeneticist: ....THANKS  


turntechGodhead: dont mention it im only just spilling the truth, truth bombs strider alternia copyright infringement  
turntechGodhead: anyway who is it then?  


carcinoGeneticist: WHAT PART OF NOT OFFICIAL DONT YOU GET?! DID MAGGOTS EAT YOUR PAN AND LEAVE THE EMPTY VOID OF SPACE WHERE YOUR STUPIDITY ECOS ENDLESSLY?  


turntechGodhead: yes, which means i will be happy to repeat the question on loop until you answer it  


carcinoGeneticist: ....YOU WOULDN'T  


turntechGodhead: ahem whom art thou moiral mr asspants  


carcinoGeneticist: UGH YOU KNOW ITS NOT REPEATING IF YOU DON'T SAY EXACTLY THE SAME WORDS  


turntechGodhead: damn well ive been schooled, leave it to kartcab to teach me the ways of looping, i shell correct this right away mr karkat as you instructed  


carcinoGeneticist: OH MY GOG  


turntechGodhead: anyway who is it then?  


carcinoGeneticist: GRAAAAAAA!! HOLY FUCK. DAVE, HOW ARE YOU SO INFURIATING?!  


turntechGodhead: anyway who is it then? you know i wont stop, karkles, this thing is a runaway train speeding out of control all the passengers are screaming and trying to get off but nope this thing is not stopping  


carcinoGeneticist: I'M BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE COMPUTER IN ATTEMPT TO SPARE MYSELF FROM THIS STUPIDITY  


turntechGodhead: there is no escape my dude we’re on the train together  


carcinoGeneticist: FUCKING FINE! JUST PROMISE NOT TO SAY ANYTHING  


turntechGodhead: cross my blood pusher and hope to die  


carcinoGeneticist: GAMZEE...  


turntechGodhead: oh nice, which one is that?  


carcinoGeneticist: YOU HAVEN’T MET HIM YET. YOU’LL PROBABLY FIND OUT PRETTY SOON  


turntechGodhead: i'll be waiting with bells on.  
turntechGodhead: on my tippy toes all jumping up and down eagerly to find this out  


carcinoGeneticist: UGH, I'M ROLLING MY GANDER BULBS HERE, AND REGRETTING TELLING YOU WITH EVERY CELL IN MY BODY  


turntechGodhead: hey i wont say a word, dont worry kraby, my word is my bond, trust me  


carcinoGeneticist: UGH... I DEEPLY REGRET THIS  


turntechGodhead: anyway arent you tired dude? its way past sunrise  


Honestly he regretted saying it as soon as he did want to just to keep talking to Karkat it was fun  


carcinoGeneticist: RIGHT FUCK YOU PROBABLY HAVE SHIT TO DO TOMORROW. YOU'RE GOING TO INTRODUCE YOUR MOIRAIL RIGHT?  


turntechGodhead: yeah if you still want to  


carcinoGeneticist: UGH I CAN'T SAY I'M ALL THAT HAPPY ABOUT IT. AS SOLLUX, SAID WE KINDA HAVE A LOT OF MEDDLING BROADS. KANAYA CAN BE OKAY, BUT IF SHE'S LIKE TEREZI OR GOG FORBID VRISKA? THEN WE'RE DOOMED  
carcinoGeneticist: BUT SURE MY LIFE IS ALREADY A SHIT SHOW, SO WHY THE HELL NOT?  


turntechGodhead: hahah sweet anyway talk to you tomorrow?  


carcinoGeneticist: YEAH FINE, JUST GIVE ME A HEADS UP BEFORE YOU ADD HER, I NEED TO MENTALLYY PREPARE  


turntechGodhead: yeahhh, can do, i kinda wish i had a chance to do that myself before i met her but now i just was thrown head first into medaling flighty broads, i almost drowned in the snarkiness  


carcinoGeneticist: ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME MORE NERVOUS?  


turntechGodhead: nah man sorry about that im sure itll be... um fine?  


Yeah he couldn’t lie, he wasn't sure it would be, he was sure she wouldn’t try to do any intentional damage but yeah he was a little worried. She was sure to have a field day with all these unique characters, she was sure to pry and meddle in their business and maybe push too far. and he had no idea how she’d feel about Karkat, the most interesting one. What if she found him as interesting as Dave did and tried to mess with him? Karkat was HIS... to mess with, nothing else. He wasn’t even sure of his blood colour yet so he couldn’t possibly be thinking of anything else.  


carcinoGeneticist: GREAT JUST.. GREAT! JUST WHAT I NEED IN MY SHIT STAIN OF A LIFE  
carcinoGeneticist: ANYWAYS, LATER  


turntechGodhead: yeah, see you tomorrow  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] logged off  


turntechGodhead [TG] logged off  


He better talk to Rose and prepare for tomorrow... well okay, not right now, that was probably a bad idea, first he better go to sleep do this tomorrow. He hopes it all goes well.  



	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks @thecryptkids

After the day cycle, Dave woke up. He usually didn’t get much sleep for one reason or another, though lately the reason was messaging his new friends, or staying up late to try to sleuth the many mysteries of this new friend group, and now he's introducing Rose to them. He really cares for his morail moratrol pap-pal, man there were so many names… Focus Dave! Anyways, he cares about her a lot, but he knows she can be a bit intense sometimes, so yeah, of course he was worried about her interacting with his new friends. Her usual snooty broad mind games and meddling were bad enough, but if you pushed her, she could be dangerous. 

Which was why Dave was going to go over her house with his computer, so he could calm her down if she tried to meddle too much in the group chat, however Dave was also a bit worried, Rose didn’t always appreciate his mad paping skills and it didn’t always work properly as a result. He remembered one time he went with Rose to meet the author of a rainbow drinker series, he paped her a few times thinking she was getting too riled up, and well, she’d gotten kinda mad and chased him off. 

Dave used to find it a bit odd that Rose, who was a little bit lower on the hemospectrum, was more dangerous than him, who was higher, usually it was the other way around, but he was cold like ice, like damn nothing fazed him, which is why Dave did not find it odd anymore, not at all. 

Anyway he was getting lost in thought? Speech? He tended to say a lot out loud without thinking or really noticing. If he hadn’t met Rose he might have never even noticed, when you were the next heir to the throne, people didn’t really call you on anything, even If you were talking to yourself in a public place. 

He picked up one of his laptop’s on his way out; of course all his items were water-proof, sea dwellers were the top of the top so things were made to accommodate them first, if an item wasn’t, the troll who made it could face culling, and he swam outside. He really didn’t get out of his watery abode much, so he decided to enjoy the scenery. “oh vwell look vwho decided to grace us vwith his presence”. Oh shit! If there was anyone Dave was ever tempted to choke to death with there own stupid cape, it was Eridan. Dave was usually super chill, he was like, so cold people would get frostbite getting to near him, but still, he didn’t appreciate how much that fucker whined and flirted with him, like yeah, everyone wants the strider nook, don’t get him wrong, but chill a little  
”.

“VVell that vvas rude” eridan huffs. FUCK! How much of that did Dave say out loud?! “yah but I’m like the king fish the big cheese I say whatever and it’s chill it might be cool if you tryed it” Dave said. Dament did that sound to Condescending? He didn’t want eridan thinking he was pursuing black romance agion....“ vvhy don’t you shovv me” eridan sniffs. “Nah if you don’t like have cool ingrained in you like me then you won’t get it” Dave shuged.” Oh that is bull fucken shit you just don’t vvant to show me” whined eridan. “ yep bingo you got it right on my buck” Dave said. “ fine then I’ll go! you think your better then eveyone don’t you?” eridan Huffs. 

“ I mean I am the Future fishy leader or whatever. also I’m like the coolest fish in the sea” Dave said. eridan “ Ug yah all that’s pritty much true dont wana spend time with sad sack guppy’s like me” eridan said. Did this guy say he was going to go?! He wanted to go to go roses and start talking to Karkat.

Waght thinking of Karkat didnt he mention that two sea dwellers was in there Group? Was Eridan one of the sea dwellers? No it couldn’t be Eridan was a homicidal snob who said he wanted to kill all land dwellers.. 

but still he could still ask? But then if he was then what? If Dave asks and Eridan is in the group then he’d know daves isn’t actually a mutent which might wreck this whole gig. He could always order Eridan not to say anything? But gog it felt weird to order people around, so Dave hesitated not sure what to do.


	17. 17 dave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @thecryptkids

“Wwhy are you starin at me?” questions Eridan, huffing. Okay, fuck it, Dave's going to go for it “Hey do you know someone named kittykat? Shit I mean Karkat, I’m so used to saying nicknames that they just automatically come out, It’s like an automatic response by now ” Dave groused. Eridan eyes narrowed which was an answer “yes... but howw the fuck wwould you knoww him?”, Yeah he figured he’d ask that. He could easily say none of your business or lie or something, but Eridan wasn’t a complete idiot and seeing as Karkat was intent on introducing to Dave to all his friends, Eridan would see the new chumhandle when Karkat finally decided to introduce them online and figure it out. 

“Yeah I’ve started chatting with him and others online. He’s like the coolest dude I know, other than me” Dave said. “Of course he couldn’t spare a thought of tellin me about it. Why would anyone tell a sad sack like myself. Oh cod I must be the most forgettable fish in the stream ” eridan complains. Ugh, Dave did not deal with whining well “Nah man it has nothing to do with all that business, you see I uh, kinda sorta started hemotyping in red when he contacted me, by the way you can’t tell him it’s like an order of hush on that” Dave explained nervously. 

“ ...wwhat?” Eridan stares at them, open mouth and dumbfounded. “heheh... you know just typing in my fave colour and not my blood colour, just all screwing around until shenanigans happened and then I was pestered back by our loudmouth friend” Dave laughed anxiously. “ ... Huh... I never thought of incitin pity by pretendin to be a mutant, I'm not sure by fillin quadrants I mean it’s only a matter of time before they figure it out but maybe once you get them likin you, your set? Who are you going for” eridan looks thoughtful. 

Oh gog of fucking course eridan thought this was to fill his quadrants! That was not it at all! it was just for shits and giggles! And yeah he may have some interest in Karkat, I mean friendly crabby boy who just introduces himself out of nowhere with a seat shit ton of secrets? yes please. but he didn’t know him well yet like hell he didn’t even know his blood colour, and that wasn’t his intention at all it just sort of happened? “ what? Nah, it just sort of happened, you know just chilling and then Bam, unexpected things hit you and you’re swimming in a whole different river than you were expecting and a cute crabby boy just starts talking to you, shit I don’t know what he looks like, is he cute? you’ve met him right? Is he?” Dave rambled. “ ..you like Karkat?” Eridan asks. 

And shit, this is NOT going how Dave had expected “ well yeah, I m-mean no! I mean I don’t even know the guys blood colour” Dave said frantically. “ Of course the charade would be most effective on him. Wwell just so you know, I just won’t let pond scum liar like you trick him and pull him awway without doing somethin about it” Eridan glares aggressively. Oh fuck, oh shit, shit has its control on the steering wheel and now shit was careening uncontrollably towards the mother grub and a bunch of unsuspecting wrigglers. How the hell was he supposed to pull this back? Could he pull this back? Maybe it was just better to strangle eridan with his own scarf and forget this ever happened, that was a bad idea but still...

“No dude, I’m like the fishy prince of all that’s regal and shit, I’m not gonna do anything bad, I promise, so just chill dude” Dave said. Eridan didn't look like he really bought it. “your royal ass already lied to my friend, how are you goin to provve your intentions to me?” Eridan asks. “by showing you? you’ll see in time that I’m totally chill and I’m not gonna do anything bad. But while we’re on the subject of your friends, I have so many questions, I’ve just been involved with your friend group and there’s just so many secrets being locked guarded like some ancient mystical treasure of legend, no, I’m just dying, singing death ballad, preparing a casket all that shit to know all the stuff that they’re not telling me” Dave struggle to keep his indifference as he moved onto from the topic that was dangerous, to something he really wanted to know, hopefully.

Eridan gave him a suspicious look, he clearly didn't trust him yet “vvhat do you wwant to knoww?”. “first what IS cuddlykats blood colour?” Dave asks. “phft, you think he's told me? I’m not pond scum worthy of none of the secrets, none of them.” Eridan complains. “ Ugh, okay! I get it” Dave groaned, again! the whole whining thing was not his scene. That and he was more than a little disappointed, well he figured he’d find out at some point right? “and the Aradia thing?” Dave questions.

“oh that, vvris mind controlled sol to try and kill her it almost succeeded.. not that the rust didn’t deserve it, actin all high and mighty” grumble Eridan, Dave could do without the casual hemophobia. “um, wow, they told me she broke someone’s legs, but she also tried to murder someone? that shit sounds crazy” Dave said. “Oh tell me about it” Eridan mumbles. 

There was probably a lot more than Dave could or should ask him, but he was running late and he kind of wanted to see Rose already, and talk Karkat again. “Well this shits been real and I’ll probably be back to talk to you more about this later but I should go. I can’t keep my new crabby friend waiting” Dave said. “ not so fast,” Eridan says, coolly, okay figured it wouldn’t be that easy “what? I already said I’m not gonna be doing anything anymore shady or hurting anyone” Dave said. “ Vvell you also said you would prove it to me, that you weren’t out to hurt them, so I demand to be involved in your next chats” Eridan said stubbornly. “Ugh fine, whatever, you know what? this is fine, okay, what’s your trollhandle?” Dave asks. He could just say Rose introduced him to the sea dweller; he was already keeping her blood colour the same, so it wasn’t totally out of the possibilities. 

“caligulasAquarium” Eridan huffs. “ okay, got it, but you better keep this under wraps, I’m having fun here and I don’t want it to be ruined” Dave said, he knew he was going to regret this but so help him if Eridan did do this, he would consider firing a drone strike on him. “Gog, I won’t, have a little fuckin faith in me” Eridan sneared. He didn’t at all, but there was nothing he could do about it now, Dave just hoped it went well.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you mae

Dave swam away from Eridan after their talk. Things were getting complicated. And he was really not looking forward to having Eridan intrude on his friend thing. Which was kinda stupid, as Eridan was part of the group before him, which irritated him more than he thought it should. 

He was too cool to be affected like this. Still, how the in the horrerterrors had Eridan joined a friend group like Karkat’s? Where there were so many different hemotypes. Eridan had said multiple times that he wanted to wipe out all landdwellers and/or those lower than him. 

Yeah, he knew killing others is kinda part of being a troll. He’d have to kill Bro too when he becomes an adult after all, if he wanted to survive. But killing everyone on land seemed like a nook move, who is Dave even going to rule if everyone was dead? Not that he was even sure how to rule, how to give orders, or what he wanted to do as a leader, but dammit, he would figure it out. As a coolkid, it was probably just gonna come to him when he was on the job. 

Plus, saying your friend deserved to be killed seems... pretty bad? But then again, he wasn’t sure how close Eridan was to Aradia. Maybe she did deserve something bad if she was acting all high and mighty like Eridan said. But saying a friend deserved to be killed or treated bad was just... wrong? 

Not long ago, he couldn’t imagine being friends with so many trolls of such different blood colors, or even friends with many trolls at all. He was taught that he was above it all because he was a coolkid and the fish king. But now that he knew Karkat’s gang, he couldn’t really imagine hurting them or wishing ill on them. But then again, it was different to wish harm on people you know, unless you really disliked them, like Dave did Eridan. 

Also, everyone was making comments on how he liked Karkat, which, okay, he didnâ€™t really know him that well and he definitely should see a picture or something, at least know what his blood color is before anything. But still, Dave was coming to the conclusion that, yeah, he’d maybe like to have a quadrant filled with Karkat. 

Damn, he should really ask for his last name. He was overly curious about him and he really enjoyed talking to the guy more than he did for most other trolls. Don’t tell rose. The problem was, well, he was flirting with him but he never pursued anything other than conciliatory romance. And, also, what quadrant he should catch him in. Which shouldn’t even be a question, it was obviously red right? 

Anyway, now is not the time for him to be confused, he’s arrived at Rose’s hive. She could sniff out his uncertainty like a barkbeast. He knocked on her hive. 

She opened the door. “Oh, Dave, it’s a pleasure to see you this fine night. What brings you to my door?” 

“Oh, you know I was just chilling, and I was like, hey, it’s been a while since I’ve graced you with the Strydr swag. I don’t want you to suffer withdrawals.” Dave shrugged 

“May I assume that you’re here to introduce me to your new friends?”Rose surmised. 

“What?! Man, what did I say about looking into my pan? Can’t I have any privacy? I might be thinking about shouty cuties and you really don’t want to be looking in there,”Dave said. 

“assume you”re talking about one 'shouty cutie' in particular?” Rose mused 

“Goddamnit, Rose.”Dave mumbled 

“Ah, I’ll take that as a yes then,”Rose looked smug. 

“Ugh, I hate it when you do this.”dave grunted unhappily. 

“So I’ve been told. But why not just troll me and invite me online, dear moirail?” Rose looked amused. 

“Well, there I was, they were asking about my friends, and I told them about you. And they were like, damn, another nosy broad and I was like, nah, she’s my moirail. But then I’m like, shit, she’s my moirail, I’m lucky she’s held off so long. And I know you, and I know that you like to dig around in secrets and history and all that shit, so I’m here to make sure you keep it under control,” Dave said and was immediately worried he said too much. 

The thing about having Rosise Lalond as a moirail was that she did not often appreciate being pacified. She had sent a few swipes his way when he tried to use common words, not that he was the best at it, and had bit Dave’s fingers enough times when he tried to pap her for him to hesitate doing so. 

It was his job, but... it was hard to be her moirail. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mae thank you agion

The look she gave him confirmed that, yep, saying that was a godawful, stupid idea. Rose really, really didn’t like being told to calm down or that he was worried about her. 

It was fine when he was the one who needed comforting, but she wasn’t one for showing physical affection, especially shooshpaps. It was fine though, he didn’t need to be pacified often because he was cool. However, when it was his turn to pacify her or calm her down or listen to her problems, then, shit, he better strap himself in and be ready for feeling like he summoned the Imperial Squad just to torture her and get shit out of her, because Rose Lalond would rather be torched than admit she might have problems or that might be wrong. 

Granted, Dave knew he doesn't always help. He’s a little shit sometimes and paps her for no apparent reason in front of everyone which makes her mad, he’s also as avoidant as her with his own issues, that digging into hers is not easy. 

“Well, if my moirail thinks I need to be supervised to make sure I don’t make any slip ups, then who am I to say otherwise, ” Rose stated, sarcastic and dry. 

Ugh, and there she was, just being a snarky broad now. 

"Great. Sweet. “I’m glad you understand." Dave shrugged, pretending not to notice her sarcasm. 

Rose did a sarcastic bow and opened the door for him. “Well then, come in. I hope I will be able to match your standards of what is appropriate today.” 

“I mean, it’s pretty hard. I'm like the king of standards, like I am with everything.” Dave entered her hive. 

Rose let out a huff of air, which is as close as she usually gets to laughing, as she closed the door and rolled her eyes, “I will do my best not to disappoint.” 

“I mean, if anyone can meet the king of fishes, Davved Strydr's standards, then it should be you Rose, the snarkiest of all broads.” Dave shrugged. 

“Oh yes, my liege. I’m so glad I can fill your standards,” Rose snarked, as she led him around her hive and into a large library. It's Rose's favorite room. 

“Anyway, enough of that horseshit. Where do you want me to sit?”Dave questioned, pulling out his husktop. 

“Anywhere is fine,” Rose waved absently, taking an armchair next to a desk at one side of the library. 

She designed her hive to look somewhat like a wizard's tower, with the top of it breaking the surface of the water. Despite there being too many goddamn stairs, it was rather comfy. The first floor was her library, which she could more than afford since she was a sea dweller. In the middle of the room was a very comfy couch, as well as some desks, an extra computer and other electronics. 

She always told Dave she had more than one computer, so she didnâ€™t have to tote it from her bedroom down to the library if she was struck with the mood to write, or chat up someone, or play a game. Dave was grateful for this, since it meant he didn’t have to go all up those goddamn stairs. 

That said, he took a seat on a couch, more sprawling across it than sitting really, and laying across it on his stomach. “So, um, I'll add you in alright? Don't use your wizard horrorterror-y magic to join in beforehand, okay?” Dave asked. 

Rose didn't answer. 

“ll take that as a yes,” Dave said, sure that it was very likely not. 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: yo   
TG: my bro from   
TG: huh i dont actually know where youre from   
TG: thats not really fair man   
TG: you ask me all sorts of things but i know so little about you  
CG: I REALLY DON’T SEE WHY IT MATTERS. BUT FINE, WHATEVER. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?  
TG: well   
TG: where you from bro  
TG: also i believe you asked what my lusus was   
TG: what is yours   
TG: it wouldnt be fair if only you get the juicy tidbits   


\- 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Dave.  


He shot her a look from across the room. “Rose.”� 

She raised her eyebrow. “My apologies. I was waiting and must have drifted off. My touch stubs must have slipped,” Rose smiled. 

Yeah, Dave didn’t buy that at all, but he knew she wasn’t going to admit as much. 

TG: oh goddammit that nosy broad   
CG: YOUR MOIRAIL?   
TG: yeah   
TG: she couldnt even wait until i invited her   
TG: and just when i was getting my q and a on  


\- 

TT: Daaaave.  


“Jesus, calm your rumble spheres, woman! Let me finish getting my mack on with a cute boy.”Dave huffed A little annoyed. 

She raised her eyebrows. 

“Ugh, you know what I mean,” Dave groaned. 

“I know exactly what you mean. You mean you want to mack on a cute boy with your moirail in the room. Perhaps, if you invited me, I could help you with said macking,”Rose offered. God, she was just so infuriating at times! 

“Rose, oh my god! Well, okay, your help would be appreciated. If you weren’t a sneaky snarky broad and weren't just as likely to pull shit behind my back,”Dave pointed out. 

“What if I promise to be good, Dave? What if I run it by you first before I do anything? Would you let me be your wingwoman then?” Rose questioned with a fake pleading tone. 

Okay, he knew Rose. And he knew that the day she passes something through him before she actually does it is the day the planet either freezes or burns up, but he also knew she was a type to do it anyway without his permission so whichever. 

“What kind of chill moirail would I be if I said no?”Dave asked. 

“ll take that as a yes then and assume you're going to invite me to join the chat?”Rose sardonically queried. 

"Yeah, i’m going to. If you stop distracting me and actually give me a minute to set up a memo." Dave points out. 

“Then I won’t say a word more and let you get to inviting me,”� Rose allowed. Of course, while they were talking, the messages had kind of piled up. 

CG: ABOUT WHAT?   
CG: I SWEAR TO THE EVER LOVING HORRORTERRORS, IF YOU ASK ME ABOUT MY BLOOD AGAIN, THERE WILL BE A HUGE EXPLOSION THAT WILL WIPE OUT ALL OF ALTERNIA.  
CG: BECAUSE I, IN A FIT OF JUSTIFIED RAGE, WILL HAVE EXPLODED. BECAUSE ASSHOLES WON'T STOP ASKING ME THINGS THAT WERE NOT ANY OF THEIR GODDAMN BUSINESS.   
CG: THE EXPLOSION WILL BE MAGNIFICENT.   
CG: DO YOU WANT THAT DAVE? DO YOU WANT TO DOOM THE PLANET?  
CG: BECAUSE I AM A BOMB OF RAGE THAT IS JUST READY TO GO OFF.  
TG: nah   
TG: as much as id love to see you go off i was just talking to rose   
CG: WHAT? YOU'RE WITH HER RIGHT NOW?!   


\- 

TT: Dave.  
TT: Daaaaaaaave.  


He gave her another look. She just smirks back. He could pretty much already hear what she's going to say. 'Well I’m not saying anything so you should be inviting me already.' 

TG: yes now allow me to invite her in before she decides to do something drastic or incredibly horrific 

\- 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] created memo on board "FRIENDSHIP VOYAGE WITH DAVE NOW WITH MORE FRIENDS". -- 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] added tentacleTherapist [TT], and carcinoGeneticist [CG] to memo. -- 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo. -- 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo. -- 

TT: Hello. I am glad you finally stopped procrastinating, or perhaps putting it off, and finally invited me in, like you said you would.  
TG: i said i would jesus   
TT: Yes, and now I shall keep my part of the bargain and help you 'get your mack on with a cute boy'.  


\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo. -- 

CG: WHAT?!?!  
TG: oh goddammit ROSE  


“Oh goddammit, Rose!” Dave couldn't help exclaiming what he typed. And her smirk seemed to grow wider for the third time that day. Goddamn, these flighty broads and their goddamn fucking snark. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you mae

TT: My apologies. I was just speaking of how perhaps you would like you to make yourself known to me. My moirail has been talking quite a bit about you. And I am naturally quite curious.   
CG: AND YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST IGNORE YOUR FORMER STATEMENT.   
TG: well i would appreciate it   
TG: not to say i wouldnt wanna mack on you  
TG: idk what you look like   
TG: maybe youre premium mack material   
TG: making all the trolls lineup just for a chance to mack on you  
TT: You should really send a picture. You shouldnâ€™t deprive Dave of knowing how many trolls are 'lining up to mack on you'.   
CG: ...  


Karkat had no idea how this discussion just immediately went like this. He was sitting at home covering his face in his hand. God, these two were definitely fucking with him. How fucking dare they play with his feelings. It was kind of pissing him off that she was making a joke out of this. 

TG: great rose you broke karkat  
TT: Maybe you could go over and reboot him with your sick macking skills?  
TG: ROSE   
TG: well as much as i would love to get karkat exe working again   
TG: im not sure where he lives so im afraid your fantasies will remain unfound you fuck  
CG: WHAT THA FUCK IS THIS MIND NUMBING BULLFUCKERY? DO ANY SMIDGEN OF INTELLIGENCE GRACE THE HOLLOWS OF YOUR EMPTY PANS OR ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO JERK AROUND MY FEELINGS?!  
TT: Oh, so there _are_ feelings?  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU!  


\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT]. --

TG: shit no fuck   
TG: rose what have you done   


\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG]. --

He didn’t have to take this, even though he didn’t know them very well, he didn’t have to put up with their taunting. What pissed him off more was that he actually liked Dave. And, now that Rose mentioned it, it sounded like one of his romance novels. Karkat could just imagine it, two mutants on the run from the empire, only each other to rely on. But he was loyal, dammit, so he couldn,t run away. He had a dream of being a threshecutioner after all, maybe if they joined the empire together and just kept each other's secrets. 

As romantic as that sounded, Karkat knew that two mutants hiding from the empire, let alone work within it, sounded like a recipe for tragedy. 

No, he couldn’t even find the guts to reveal himself like Dave. Besides, it was obvious that they were both making fun of him. Which, dick move, assholes. 

It took a long time for him to calm down and realize that they probably meant nothing by it. Dave said shit like that all the time. Still, the thought, instead of comforting him, made him feel worse? Like not even another mutant could lower themselves to like him. 

That was fine though! He didn’t go into this looking to fill a quadrant. He just... He just wanted a little understanding from someone who knows what it feels like when your entire existence is considered a crime. To know he’s not alone. To not have to be the only one of his kind. To not be the only mutant alive in Alternia. Fuck, for all he knows, before now, he could have been the only mutant in all of history. It would be just his shitty luck. 

He chanced a glance back at his husktop and decided. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] unblocked turntechGodhead [TG]. -- 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] unblocked tentacleTherapist [TT]. -- 

-

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]. --

TG: karclam shit come back   
TG: its alright if you wanna mack on me a little   
TG: im irresistible  
TG: everyone wants the strydr ass  
TG: and idk   
TG: i would not mind at all if you were in line for said macking   
TG: i mean i might even save you a spot for vip macking   


Karkat covered his face, growling. What the hell! It was only getting worse! 

\-- tentacleTheraapist [TT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]. --

TT: It seems that I,ve made you a little bit uncomfortable in my attempt to get to know you.   
TT: My actions were a little bit overzealous, admittedly.   
TT: Just got carried away wanting to get to know the troll my moirail has been talking so much about.   


-

TG: cmon dude   
TG: come back   
TG: youre missing these premium lines  
TG: come back i promise ill pap rose into trying to control herself   


Ugh, Karkat knew Dave enough to know he wouldn't stop until he answered. Besides, he was probably being stupid anyway. Dave said slightly flirty stuff all the time and he’d never let it faze him much before. Okay, he did a little but he had other conversations to focus on at the time and wasnâ€™t always bombarded with comments. Also, the fact that Dave's moirail was saying such things made it hit harder? Ugh, whatever. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo. --

CG: UGH, FUCKING FINE. I'M BACK, YOU DUNDERFUCKS ARE JUST RELENTLESS UNENDING PESTS OF MISERY AREN'T YOU?   
CG: NOT THAT I'M ANY BETTER, BECAUSE I'M APPARENTLY EXPOSING MYSELF TO THIS MISERY VOLUNTARILY. LIKE A STREAKER EXPOSING THEMSELF TO RIDICULE AND SHAME ON THEIR OWN VOLITION.   
TG: oh awesome youre back   
TG: i guess i should make good on my word   
TG: rose you have to apologize   
TT: You make it sound like I was the only one pestering him.   
TG: i mean you know how i am   
TG: you got me rolling and when daves get to a rolling its like a never ending roll down a never ending hill  
TT: I see. So I pushed you down a hill? I must remind myself to file you into a square so this said rolling doesn't happen again then.  
CG: GOD, YOU'RE BOTH INSUFFERABLE!  
TG: right   
TG: say sorry to karkat rose   
TT: And why should I apologize? What is my boon for such a task?  
TG: dont make me go over there and pap you   
CG: ASDFGHJKL  
CG: I AM RIGHT HERE, YOU PRICKS.   
TT: Is this a declaration of war, my dear moirail? Because I have my pillow on standby in case negotiations go south.   
TG: to war it is then   
TG: karkat wait for me because youll be what keeps me going in this fight   
CG: I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON ANYMORE!   
CG: I SWEAR IT FEELS LIKE MY PAN JUST THREW ITSELF IN THE GARBAGE AND DECIDED TO LIVE THERE FROM NOW ON WITH HOW THIS ROTTING FESTERING CONVERSATION WENT.   
CG: MY PAN LIVES IN THE GARBAGE NOW, SOAKING UP ALL THAT ROTTEN TRASH WATER IN LEU[YO WHAT THE FUCK HOW IS THAT SPELLED] OF ANY ACTUAL NUTRICIOUS SUBSTANCE.   
CG: IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?!   
CG: MY PAN FILLED WITH GROSS WATER AND LIVING IN THE GARBAGE?!  
CG: HELLO?!  
TG: yeah im back  
TG: nah i dont want you to have garbage brain   
TG: but would you be just looks then  
CG: WHAT?!   
TT: I suppose we,d have to take a look in him and see for ourselves.  
CG: UGH, THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOU ASKED ME WHAT I LOOK LIKE.   
TT: I suppose it is.   
TG: i mean im cool as a cucumber if you dont want to but im still curious   
TG: you dont have to like tell me but   
CG: UGH, I'M SHORT AND HAVE NUBBY HORNS. THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY?!  
TT: Thatâ€™s not a picture but I suppose itâ€™ll work for now.  
TG: yeah i guess so   
TG: though id still like to see   
TG: anyway rose were getting off topic  
TT: Wow Dave, I didn’t know you could get back on topic on your own. Congratulations!  
TG: thank you   
TG: now you were going to say   
TT: I already said I made you uncomfortable and I will strive not to do so in the future. I was simply curious about who my moirail was talking about so much.   
CG: WELL, THAT WAS AN AMAZING POINTLESS CIRCLE JERK THAT JUST TAKES US BACK TO THE FORMER DISCUSSION. THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THE VERY DEFINITION OF FUTILITY.   
TT: Then would you like me to repeat what I said earlier?  
CG: GOD NO!   
CG: WHAT DOES THE PRYING, NOSY, MEDDLING, SNARKY BROAD WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOURS TRULY THEN?   
TG: hey no fair   
TG: you hid the treasure map to all your juicy secrets from me   
TG: but you crack just like that for rose  
CG: I'M NOT TELLING HER ANYTHING PERSONAL, JUST THE BASIC SHIT. YOU GOT THAT?!   
CG: I GUESS YOU CAN ASK WHAT YOU WANT TO TOO, DAVE.   
TG: oh sweet im getting my qna all fired up   



End file.
